Far From the Madding Cow: Starting a One Month Vegan Challenge

I've decided to be vegan for the month of February. "Why?" you ask. That was clever of you to ask me just as I was writing this blog post. Good timing!

Well, I'll tell you:

• I hate domesticated animals. If the entire world became vegan for any length of time, all domesticated animal species would go extinct. Think about it: farmers aren't going to raise animals if they can't make money off of them; and these animals are not going to wander off and survive in the wild. As one vegan site puts it, every vegan is responsible for consuming 100 less animals every year, which means that each vegan denies 100 animals the chance to be born every year. I want to do my part for barnyard genocide.
• To be self-righteous. When I was a child living in America, I use to say, around Christmas time, "Who needs fancy presents and lights and holiday joy? I'm Jewish, so there! I'll just sit here next to this little candle and watch The Charlie Brown Christmas Special on TV. Pass me a latke." Ah, I miss that self-righteous feeling! I don't get to have that in Israel being around all of these Jews. Being vegan should do the trick.
• In a similar vein, I actively look for opportunities to be masochistic. I expect to be told I'm being stupid, that what I'm doing makes isn't natural, and that I'll ruin my health. And "Wouldn't I like to eat this? Doesn't it smell great? Come on, one hamburger won't kill you." And how I can do what I want, but the normal people will be over here enjoying real food. Because I don't get enough of that simply keeping kosher in Israel.
• Being vegan, as everyone knows, totally grants one superpowers and stuff.
• Because I want to meet more women, and they live on Vega. Or maybe Venus. Well, chicks dig guys who have, like, conviction? and are, like, compassionate, or whatever.
• February is only 28 days, right? Because if it were even one day more, I don't think I could do it. Thank god for February being only 28 days!

Gives you a warm glowy feeling, doesn't it?

I ran these reasons by a vegan friend - or ex-friend, I should say - and after yelling at me for half an hour, she put the knife down and told me I should feel great. Actually, she said I should feel pleasure. Actually, she said that I should feel a specific kind of pleasure that I self-administer. Or something like that. She managed to say it using only three words.

Veganism might be healthier in some regards, like for saturated fats. I just have to be careful about calcium, vitamin D, iron, vitamin B12, zinc, and omega-3 fatty acids. And my father had anemia. I don't have to worry about anemia as an omnivore; as a vegan, I may have to take some supplements. Anyway, it's only for 30 days, and I'm aware of the various foodstuffs that I should take to minimize any problems in these areas.

My biggest concern is the ninja cows that may be out to get me because of that genocide joke. I may have attracted the attention of the bovine cow-bal. They hunt down vegans in dark alleys and attack them with fresh fruit. One of my friends told me that that would be more funny than frightening, but I'm not a-moo-sed.

Top 10 Ways My Counting Annoys Non-Computer Geeks

00. Starts at 0 -> 01
01. Prefixed 0's or 0x's -> 02
02. Ascending count -> 03
03. Linked list -> 04
04. 0 .. 1023 on my hands -> 06
05. null
06. Null strings instead of skipped digits -> 07
07. Non-decimal base -> EOF

Competitive Whining, Family Style

I slept at my mom's last night. Here are the very first words spoken this morning (no exaggeration):

Mom: I couldn't get to sleep at all last night.
Me: I have these small pains on the outsides of both ears, here and here.
Mom: Part of my tooth fell off while I was eating matzoh this morning.
Me: ... My right arm just fell off of my body.
Mom: I bet the dentist is closed today because it's Passover, too.

Bluetooth Transfer; Book Progress

Thursday night our phones discovered each other across a crowded smoky bar (ok, it was across a table at Cafe Hillel and they don't allow smoking, but hush).

After making contact, and discovering that we were compatible, I asked for permission and she granted me access. With permission granted, and a connection established, we fumbled around for a while I tried to figure out how to share my data with her phone. With much hesitation, blushing, and apologies, I finally figured it out and send her my packet which went straight into her address book. After that we disconnected and I had a cigarette.

The whole thing took fifteen minutes. I'm pretty sure it would have been faster to just type my number into her phone.

Book Progress

Relevant sources that I've read while researching my book, so far; I've got fifty more waiting to be read, and every source leads me to another several potential sources. I wish I had an academic adviser.

• Abt, Clark C.
• Adams, Ernest W.
• Archer, Robyn
• Bartle, Richard
• Bateman, Chris
• Bateman, Chris & Nacke, Lennert E.
• Bergström, Karl Jones
• Björk, Steffan & Holopainen, Jussi
• Bogost, Ian
• Brown, Stuart
• Caillois, Roger
• Calleja, Gordon
• Chalker, Dave
• Consalvo, Mia
• Costikyan, Greg
• Crawford, Chris
• Crawford, Gary
• Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaky & Abuhamdeh, Sami & Nakamura, Jeanne
• Deák, Gedeon O. & Ray, Shanna D. & Pick, Anne D.
• Deci, Edward L. & Ryan, Richard M.
• DeKoven, Bernie
• Eigen, Manfred & Winkler, Ruthild
• Ellis, Jonathan
• Ermi, Laura & Mäyrä, Frans
• Faidutti, Bruno
• Ferreira, Emmanoel & Falcão, Thiago
• Flanagan, Mary
• Fluegelman, Andrew (editor)
• Frasca, Gonzalo
• Ginsburg, Richard D. Ph.D.
• Gobet, Ferand & de Voogt, Alex & Retschitzki, Jean
• Goffman, Erving
• Henricks, Thomas S.
• Hewes, Jane PhD
• Huizinga, Johan
• Humble, Rod
• Hunicke, Robin & LeBlanc, Marc, & Zubek, Robert
• Izuma, Keise & Saito, Daisuke N. & Sadato, Norihiro
• Järvinen, Aki
• Johnson, Cynthia E.
• Juul, Jesper
• Kelley, David
• King, Darrell G.
• Klabbers, Jan H. G.
• Kohn, Alfie
• Koster, Raph
• Kramer, Wolfgang
• Kreimeier, Bernd
• Leo, Francisco Miguel & Sánchez, Pedro Antonio & Sánchez, David & Amado, Diana & Calvo, Tomas García
• Lévi-Strauss, Claude
• Logas, Heather Lee
• Lundgren, Sus & Bergström, Karl Jones & Björk, Steffan
• Luvmour, Ba
• Malaby, Thomas M.
• Mandigo, James L. & Holt, Nicholas L.
• Marinak, Barbara A. & Gambrell, Linda B.
• Maroney, Kevin
• McGonigal, Jane
• Montola, Markus
• Murphy, Curtiss
• Myers, David
• Nichols, Steve
• Parlett, David
• Piaget, Jean
• Poremba, Cindy
• Rodriguez, Hector
• Ruch, Adam W.
• Salen, Katie & Zimmerman, Eric
• Schijns, Guus
• Schmittberger, R. Wayne
• Sicart, Miguel
• Smith, Ronald E. & Smoll, Frank L. & Cumming, Sean P.
• Sniderman, Stephen
• Steinkuehler, Constance
• Stenros, Jaakko
• Stenros, Jaakko & Waern, Annika
• Suits, Bernard
• Sutton-Smith, Brian
• Sutton-Smith, Brian & Avedon, Elliot
• Taylor, T.L.
• Van Eck, Richard & Hung, Woei
• Vanderschuren, Louk J. M. J.
• Vygotsky, Lev
• Walther, Bo Kampmann
• Williamson, Rebecca A. & Jaswal, Vikram K. & Meltzoff, Andrew N.
• Wilson, Gabriel
• Winther-Lindqvist, Ditte
• Wittgenstein, Ludwig
• Woods, Stewart John
• Zimmerman, Eric

Yehuda

You're Fired!

Definition: "Fired", as in "Fired up!" - On fire, hot, doing great, doing great work.

Hey managers! Your task today is to go around your office and randomly tell people "You're Fired!" Tell them loud enough so that their coworkers can overhear. Pump your fist in the air and make the "Woo Hah!" sound, too. It's a great way to increase morale!

Two calls to customer support

The phone and internet services in Israel will give you special plans that last a year, and they won't call you to tell you that the plan is about to run out. Instead they will bump you to the new unfavorable plan automatically, hoping that they can screw their customers.

So I make these calls every year to review my service and find a better service, if they have one, or move to a new company if they don't.

Call with HOT

ME: What plan do I have?

HOT: You have 1000 minutes free to landlines for 39 NIS, and 20 AG/min to cellphones.

ME: So I pay 3.9 AG per minute for 1000 minutes of landline service, paid up front.

HOT: No, you get those minutes free.

ME: I pay 39 NIS for those minutes.

HOT: You pay 39 NIS for the plan, which includes those minutes free.

ME: Right, whatever. What are my other options?

HOT: We have a plan for 500 minutes to both landlines and cellphones for 69 NIS.

ME: So given that that is 30 NIS more than what I pay now, and cell phone calls are 20 AG/min, I would have to talk at least 150 minutes to cell phones for the plan to be worth it, right? Is that worth it for me, given my calling history?

HOT: That's us to you.

ME: What do you mean it's up to me?

HOT: It depends on what you want.

ME: ... Do you know my calling history?

HOT: Yes.

ME: How much do I call?

HOT: XXX minutes.

ME: So it's not worth it to me.

HOT: It depends on how many minutes you call.

ME: Yes, but you know how many minutes I call. You just told me how many minutes I call. Given how many minutes I call, you can tell me which plan is right for me, can't you?

HOT: No, it's your preference.

ME: It's not a matter of preference. It's a matter of mathematics. You have no way of telling if I would be better off in another plan?

HOT: It depends on how many minutes you call.

ME: ... (carry the 1, ...) no, it's not worth it for me. How much have I been paying each month until now on my current plan?

HOT: Between 45 and 62 NIS.

ME: So, obviously, it won't be worth it for me to switch to a plan that charges, minimally, 69 NIS, right? You could have just said that, right?

HOT: It depends on how many minutes you call.

ME: Sigh. Is that it? Do you have any other plans?

HOT: We have a plan for 24 NIS, but you pay 12 AG for every landline call and 20 AG for every cell phone call.

ME: Why didn't you tell me about this plan? Do I have to ask to know about each of your plans one by one? Are there any magic words I need to speak to hear about a fourth super-secret plan?

HOT: I don't understand. Do you want this plan?

ME: Given my calling history, which you have right in front of you, would it be worth it for me to switch to this 24 NIS plan, assuming that I call the same number of minutes each month as I already do right now, as you can see right in front of you.

HOT: It depends on how many minutes you call.

Call with Netvision

Press 1 for customer service, press 2 for technical support.

-1-

45 seconds of music

Press your customer number and then star, or just press star.

-*-

50 seconds of music

NV: Keyn?

ME: Can I speak to English customer support?

NV: Rak regah. [Transfer number 1]

90 seconds of music

NV: Keyn?

ME: Is this English customer support?

NV: Rak regah. [Transfer number 2]

45 seconds of music

NV: Keyn?

ME: Is this English customer support?

NV: Rak regah. [Transfer number 3]

180 seconds of music

Press 1 for English, press 2 for ...

-1-

30 seconds of music

NV: Keyn.

ME: I'd like to speak to someone who speaks English in customer support.

NV: Rak regah. [Transfer number 4]

90 seconds of music

Press your customer number and then star, or just press star.

...

Yes, boys and girls, this went on all the way to Transfer number 13, going through the same menus and the same people several times on the way. I finally said:

ME: I would like someone in customer service who speaks English to call me back.

At which point they took my name and said that someone who speaks English from customer support would call me back. And asked me if I would like to be transferred, instead of having to wait for a callback.

Shiva Impressions II

No More Sorrow

The correct wording is "May God comfort you among all of the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." Many people add "May you know no more sorrow".

I'm not entirely sure how to interpret the last sentiment. I first thought that it meant that everyone in the entire world all should die soon and at the same time. Then I thought, maybe it means that I should die first.

Either way, I'm not sure it's a comfort.

Today I thought of a third possibility: I should suffer brain damage so that I can no longer experience sorrow.

Who's Comforting Whom?

The ideal comforter responds to your conversation, helps you talk about the departed, or tells you their fond memories of the departed. More than half of my visitors have been ideal. Some have been, uh, less than ideal.

One visitor type who is neither ideal nor specifically problematic is the one who doesn't know how to talk or respond, but simply stares at you. Luckily, other visitors have arrived whenever I had one of those.

How Long to Stay

I was told that one stays until one finds him/herself to be the longest visitor remaining and then new visitors arrive, unless the bereaved specifically indicates that you should stay longer. I now realize that this is because you will already have heard all the stories told by the bereaved, who is starting in on them for the nth time.

Another good time to leave is when the conversation lags for the fourth time and the bereaved is tapping his fingers on his chair and staring pointedly at you.

Words About My Father

A few words about my father, as painted by the ideal visitors:

People set their watches to the times my father arrived at shul for the past few decades. He rarely missed a davening, unless he was in the hospital or away, even during the over two years that he had liver cancer. He went up for an aliyah to the torah on the Thursday before he passed away.

Even the children in his community knew him, and he always had a smile for them. They were inspired by his thrice daily trek to and from shul. One ten year old boy wrote out how he felt about my father so that he could read it to us at the shiva.

My father helped found the early minyan in West Hempstead where I grew up. When he came to Beit Shemesh there was no synagogue yet organized, so he and my mom simply hosted the synagogue in their house for four years. One of the three minyans that they have in the shul on shabbat morning is, even now, referred to as the Berlinger minyan.

He spent the last 7 or 8 years at kollel every morning, and he loved it. He would never let anything go by; he had to understand it, and it had to make sense to him, or the shiur could not continue. He learned in chavruta nearly every shabbat afternoon.

My father grew up religious and stayed religious. He didn't always know what to do, but he always wanted it done properly. Whatever was proper, that was what had to be done, no excuses.

He was, in a word, determined.

Philosophical Pig Tales

Philosophical Pig Tales: the Origins of Modern Ethics Explained Through Retellings of the Classic Story of the Three Little Pigs by Katie Hatz

I so want this. This is the funniest thing I've read in a year, at least. I laughed out loud at every page. The entire text of all three stories, about hedonism, stoicism, and nihilism, is online. Warning: the pictures are not all safe for children, as they include topless pigs and profane graffiti.

10 Celebrities Who Changed Their Names AFTER They Were Already Successful

And I'm not counting people who take on the last name of their spouse (Courtney Cox), or who legally change their name to match their successful stage name (Miley Cyrus, Cher).

10. James Joseph McGuinn III, called Jim, was the lead singer of the Byrds. The Byrds had already scored their big hits by 1967, when Jim decided that his name was too plain. He wrote to Muhammad Subuh Sumohadiwidjojo, aka Bapak, the founder of the spiritual movement Subud, with ten name suggestions and asked him to pick one. Bapak picked "Roger", having told him that a new name would better vibrate with the universe.

9. In 2004, following several years of kabbalah study, Madonna (born Madonna Louise Ciccone) changed her name to Esther, which the Talmud relates may be the Persian word for "star", but probably is simply a bastardization of the goddess Ishtar. Should have gone with Cokhava.

8. Lisa Michelle Boney was a teenager on The Cosby Show, and an adult in the movie Angel Heart. After divorcing Lenny Kravitz, she changed her name to Lilakoi Moon, and went on to name her second and third child (born from father Jason Momoa) Lola Iolani Momoa and Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa.

7. Terry Marsh was an undefeated light welterweight boxer, since retired. In the UK 2010 election, Marsh changed his name to "None of the Above X" and put himself on the ticket in South Basildon and East Thurrock, to protest the lack of such an option on the ballot (a party may not call themselves None of the Above, but a person may). He is now legally known as Mr X.

6. Terence Trent Howard is better known by his stage name Terence Trent D'Arby. However, following a successful musical career in the late 1980s and 1990s, he changed his name in 2001 to Sananda Maitreya, after he had a series of dreams that told him to. He used this change to start an independent label.

5. Elvis Costello, born Declan Patrick MacManus, legally changed his name back to Declan Patrick Aloysius MacManus in 1986. For some reason. And this is the only post by an Israeli/Jew about Elvis Costello that is not about that other topic.

4. Whenever you see someone mocking pretentious, strange female singers, they're probably making fun of Jane Siberry, who has been making a career out of weird since the early 1980s. In 2006, Jane changed her name to Issa and got rid of all of her belongings except her guitar and a case of Miles Davis CDs. Over two years, she recorded two albums under the name Issa, while deep in soul introspection. She has recently changed back to Jane Siberry.

3. Chad Javon Johnson is a wide receiver for the Bengals. In 2006, in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month, he changed his name to Chad Ochocinco, making it legal in 2008. Ocho Cinco is 85, his jersey number. He soon intends to change his name to Hachi Go, which is 85 in Japanese.

2. Cat Stevens (born Steven Demetre Georgiou) is one of many who take on a new name when converting to another religion. In his case, he became Yusuf Islam. Yusaf has been involved in a number of controversies over the years as to how his strict Islamic activities can be reconciled with his earlier peace-loving hippie music, but, it turns out, the rumors about his support for extremism and fanaticism are overblown media inventions.

1. Prince (born Prince Rogers Nelson) changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol for seven years to protest Warner Brothers' control over his contract, music, life, and art. As it was unpronounceable, everyone simply referred to him as "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince", or "The Artist" for short. He eventually got out of the contract; however, "Prince" is currently a trademark owned by Paisley Park Enterprises, Inc.

The Longer the Line You're Standing On ...

... the less likely that it will have been worthwhile to have done so. This applies in Israel. I don't know if it applies elsewhere.

The 25 Strangest Board Games of 2009

See entries from 2008, 2007,  2006, 2005

+6 Bag O'Munchkin Babes

Following Steve Jackson's other release +6 Bag O'Munchkins. Aside from the weirdness of using these in a game of Munchkin - you can put one in front of you in order to gain a benefit during the game - SJ added a whole level of weirdness to them by allowing you to use the pieces in any other game.

For instance, you can whip out a munchkin babe to add or subtract from your die roll once in some other roll and move game.

This is so cool, that I hope the concept spreads (and I'll be stealing the idea for my next game at BGG.con, so look in your goodie bags).

Aargh!Tech

Architecture in the stone age. One player is the architect who sees a card with blocks in a certain order. The other is the builder who doesn't see the card.

The architect has to communicate to the builder using grunts and movements to tell the builder which blocks to pick up, rotate, and where to put them. If the builder does an action right, the architect bangs him on the head with a bludgeon. If he's wrong, he bangs him on the head twice.

Admiral Ackbar "It's a Trap!" Game

Based on the line from Return of the Jedi, this is a phrase-forming game using letter and punctuation tiles.

Beer & Pretzels

From the BGG description: Players throw coasters onto a table. And then they get money. And then they throw more coasters. And then they get more money. This very complex and detailed process repeats until the end of the game at which point the player with the most money wins, just like in real life.

At that point the winner will claim that Beer & Pretzels is the best game ever, and the non-winners (to be super politically correct) will claim that the game is fundamentally flawed, and most likely broken.

The BoardGameGeek Game

The game based on the web site, in this game, you play a game company trying to sell your games, and you also play players at a game group trying to acquire the best games for their group.

Designed by Richard Breese, the game features a thousand avatars from registered BGG users.

Bridge Troll

You're a troll who throws boulders to attract travelers to cross your bridge. Half the travelers you rob for their money, and the other half you eat. This allows you to pay for repairs on your bridge. From the boulders you've thrown.

The Bugman's Game

Each player has to guide his dwarf to the bar to pick up booze and grub and then make his way back to his table avoiding trouble and piles of vomit.

Bunny Bunny Moose Moose

The hunter looks for the animals who casually saunter away, trying to convince the hunter that he must be looking for something else. While the hunter strolls through the forest, players try to look like an animal the hunter won’t shoot (waving their fingers over their head).

Burg der 1000 Spiegel

A box with randomly arranged objects where the only way to find them is by putting mirrors into the box and looking through the sides. And since you're all vampires, if you find the objects, you collect blood tokens.

Cthulinária
A web-published redesign of Invisible City's Cthul-B-Que. Capture and cook Cthulhu Mythos monsters without losing life, limb or sanity. End the game with the most monstrous dishes in your serving area.

Deadly Russian Roulette: Die or Be Rich

A game simulating Russian Roulette with foam bullets. OMG.

Doorways to WTF

A print and play game based on Sid Sackson's games Doorways to Adventure and Doorways to Horror. You watch specific Youtube videos, looking for clues.

EAT

Pick the dish you want to try to eat from the buffet, roll the dice and see if you manage to force it down or if you lose your lunch. Be careful not to eat too many different flavors and avoid gross food if you can while you race to victory.

Eine gegen Eine

No information is given about the game contents, genre, or rules, and there is no rulebook. Part of the game is to discover how to play using the contents.

Fictional Rummy
A game with no components. The object is to describe the hand of cards you would have gotten, if you had actually been drawing cards. The best fictional hand wins.

The Game of Life: Extreme Reality Edition

It's Life, but you might get married while skydiving or give birth to sextuplets. And it's published by Hasbro.

HFP - Hard Furry Pets
Players become little anthropomorphic animals who try to charm sweet girls of wavering morality.

Hamster Combat

Hamster martial arts. 'Nuff said.

Insult Bingo

Bingo cards, where each space is an insult or vulgarity. Players take turns reading (shouting) the spaces, marking them off on their own card as appropriate.

Mr. Bacon's Big Adventure

Navigate your way through the Mustard Marsh, cross the eerie expanse of Wiener Wasteland and sail on the Sausage Sea. If you make it past the deceptive detour of Vegan Alley and avoid getting grounded in Gristle Grotto, you might just make it to the Great Frying Pan at the end of the trail.

Poo: The Card Game

Players are monkeys in the zoo having a fight ...

Poopsock! The MMORPG Addict Card Game

A card game poking fun at MMORPG players. A poopsock is an item that allows a player not to have to go to the bathroom, thus avoiding wasting valuable level-up time.

Red Shirts

Your goal is to kill off your opponents' Star Trek security personnel. Of course, they all eventually die in the end.

Top Ten: The Ten Commandments

Players battle over creating a new version of the ten commandments. Each player has a different goal.

Win, Lose, or Banana

The game comes with three cards. Pick one to find out if you win, lose, or banana.

The Countdown Roundup

I've been counting down the days to see Rachel on Facebook. For those that don't have me in their Facebook feed, here is how the last 84 days went:

• 84 days to go
• 83 days to go
• 82 days to go
• 81 days
• 80 days
• 79 days
• 77 days
• 76 days
• 73 days ... if you're keeping track, this only proves that I don't know how to count. (P.S. I will see Rachel on Nov 2) [I skipped two days inadvertently]
  
• 72 days
• 71 days
• 70 days, or exactly 10 weeks
• 69 days
• 68 days, which is also the name of a pretty good band
• 67 days, which is also the number of days that some random couple Kyle and Stacey will be goofing off in Orlando, FL, courtesy of the Orlando Visitor's Bureau, starting today.
• 66 days, which is also the number of days that some freak took to swim the Amazon river.
• 65 days, also the name of another pretty rocking band "65 Days of Static"
• 64 days, also the amount of time it took two guys on bikes and a documentary crew to cross the US. The documentary film For Thousands of Miles is in post-production and will probably be released under CC. The "making of" is vlog'd and called 64 days.
• 63 days, which is apparently enough time to run 63 marathons to raise awareness for ataxia-telangiectasia.
• 62 days, or the average gestation period for a cat (according to some sources, for some cats)
• 61 days, also the number of days it took to shoot the movie E.T.
• 60 days, or the longest period of time that would not necessarily include a complete month.
• 59 days, or the entire lifespan of the shortest-lived vertebrate, the Eviota sigillata aka seven-figure pygmy goby.
• 58 days, or how long it took 11 year old Zachary Bonner walk from Atlanta, GA to Washington, DC to raise awareness and money for homeless children. Zach is in sixth grade. He's been doing social work since hurricane Katrina, organizing over 2,000 schoolbags for children, running 24 homeless awareness events, and now plans to walk coast to coast. Little Red Wagon Foundation is his NPO.
• 57 days, apparently enough time to circumnavigate the world solo, in a sailboat
• 56 days, or 8 weeks, enough time to make this. After 8 weeks, an embryo becomes a fetus.
• 55 days, also the name of a movie (55 days at Peking) about the Boxer Rebellion, where 130,000 Chinese attacked foreign embassies to oust them from China.
• 54 days, which is the average length of time that a Brit spends snogging in his or her lifetime.
• 53 days, also the name of a rock band - not bad, a little like a number of other nineties bands, but not quite as good as any of them, I'm afraid
• 52 days, or how long Gedaliah ruled before he was assassinated.
• 51 days, or the number of days that the sun doesn't rise in Northern Finland.
• 50 days, a Shavuot. Or a Pentecost or a Whit Monday. Or a Sigd (50 days after Yom Kippur, celebrated by Ethiopian Jews). Or a Feast of the First Fruits of Wine (mentioned as 50 days after the Feast of Weeks in the Dead Sea Scrolls, but not observed by anyone today).
• 49 days, 7 weeks, apparently enough time to learn to speak Portuguese
• 48 days, which is how long Siddhārtha Gautama sat in meditation under a Bohdi tree before reaching enlightenment (on the 49th day), whereupon he became The Buddha (some say 49 days).
• 47 days, which is how long the Matisse painting "Le Bateau" was hung upside down at the MOMA, until a passing stockbroker pointed it out; 115,000 other visitors and the museum staff hadn't noticed.
• 46 days, Phish. 'nuff said.
• 45 days, a documentary film about Demon Hunter, a Christian rock group.
• 44 days, a film about skiing.
• 43 more days of annoying Nadine Wildmann with this countdown.
• 42 days since she left, 42 days until we're together
• 41 days, apparently enough time to run 5000 km (3100 miles)
• 40 days ... hmmm, if only there were something biblical that happened in 40 days ... nope, can't think of anything. 40 Days is an album by the kick-ass Canadian singer-songwriter trio, The Wailin' Jennys.
• 39 days, enough time to reach Mars using a 200 MegaWatt VASIMR ion rocket engine
• 38 days, too long to be lost at sea
• 37 days, also a blog about living by a woman whose step-father lived for 37 days after being diagnosed with lung cancer
• 36 days, enough time to fight the Battle of Iwo Jima
• 35 days, 5 weeks. Five Weeks in a Balloon was the name of Jules Verne's first novel, and the beginning of his Extraordinary Voyage series.
• 34 days, or slightly less than 3,000,000 seconds (2,937,600)
• 33 days; if you tell one person today, and then you each tell one more person tomorrow, and so on and so on, then in 33 days the whole world will know
• 32 days, sing it Carmen Fraser
• 31 days, or how long it took Ford to pardon Nixon
• 30 days. Enter to win fa-bu-lous fashion prizes in 30 days of fashion.
• 29 days, JW Jones: We'll be kissing in 29 days, you know it's true.
• 28 days, a Hollywood movie about alcohol addiction that I have a mild desire to watch someday
• 27 days, an EP from a decent band called Erase the Grey, which the record label didn't market enough
• 26 days, also endured by Brad Ward, who, in 2008, survived an incredible 26 days without his IPhone (you can donate to other IPhone-less sufferers via his site)
• 25 days, also a song from a strange but wonderful twee pop group Hello Saferide
• 24 days, enough time to lose $19 billion (from the time Skilling resigned to the total collapse of Enron)
• 23 days, also a song by country music group SheDAISY, a trio of sisters from Utah
• 22 days, also a song from the 22-20s, often described as a cross between Jimi Hendrix and The White Stripes
• 21 days, or 3 weeks. Three Weeks is a magazine about the Edinburgh Festival and associated festivals. I want to go, someday.
• 20 days, also an organization that helps UK citizens make the most of their annual "only" 20 days vacation (in Israel, the minimum is 10 days)
• 19 days, still too long. Also too long to spend with a peanut butter jar stuck over your head.
• 18 days, also an upcoming cinematic and video game franchise about the Mahabharata from Grant Morrison (Mahabharata is an ancient Sanskrit text, part of the Hindu lore, that emphasizes the number 18; Morrison is a prolific comic artist and writer)
• 17 days, also enough time for Scientology to kill a woman by denying her psychiatric care.
• 16 days, also a song by Whiskeytown (fronted by Ryan Adams)
• 15 days, also a song by Kyle Alden. Kyle sounds a lot like so many other wonderful folk music singer-songwriters traveling around the country, under the pop music industry's radar.
• 14 days, a fortnight. An essential element of the FFF system of measurement.
• 13 days, long enough to throw the world to the brink of nuclear war (the length of the Cuban Missile Crisis).
• 12 days ... this is a hard one. I'll give you three of them ... one, two, three
• 11 days, if only they would pass as quickly as did Sept 3 to 13, 1752
• 10 days, also a series of fun games from Out of the Box Publishing (makers of Apples to Apples)
• 9 days! [Absolutely ... Story of a Girl]
• 8 days! From a cartoon the Beatles didn't like, featuring a song the Beatles didn't like.
• 7 days! [One Week, BNL]
• 6 days! [Jerusalem of Gold, The Six Day War]
• 5 days! [Patrick Nuo - Five Days]
• 4 days! [Humble Pie - Four Day Creep]
• 3 days; holy crap only 3 days. This is from the most famous 3 days of peace and music.
• 2 days! A movie I hope to see with Rachel [2 Days in Paris]
• 1 day ... enough time for over 23,000 children to die from preventable problems: water-borne disease, hunger, malaria, diarrhea, premature birth, respiratory infection. Over 8,000 children, over 24,000 people total, die every day due to malnourishment.

Now blogging from the airport ...

Necessary Invention: Yeshiva Stock Market

Yeshiva's beg for money to support their learning from people who make money, and then often feel superior to those who don't learn all day. That's chutzpah.

Back in the day, Issachar and Zevulun has an arrangement where one would learn and the other work, each getting the complete share of the merit for learning. Or so I understand.

I also feel entitled to the some of the study merit of those people I support. Whenever I give, I feel tempted to ask for some. But I don't know how much to ask for. If I give 100 NIS, is that 0.1% of the daily output of the yeshiva? Or a select group of students? How do I know that my 100 NIS wouldn't gain me better merit at some other more studious yeshiva, with better students and more disciplined finances?

I think there should be a yeshiva stock market. Individuals, study halls, kolels, and so on should float learning shares. That way we can evaluate what we get for our money. I want to support the yeshiva with the best learning (and good deeds) output. I want to know what I'm getting.

Yeshivas could report ... uh ... "mitzvaentials" on a quarterly basis: dafim learned (tested, to ensure quality), old ladies helped across the street, time spent delivering food to the needy, happiness quotient. We could more easily discover the yeshivas whose activities match our path. We could buy low (a yeshiva with unrealized potential) and sell high (when it's doing great). We could float shares. We could buy puts.

And best yet, we could sue for insider trading (you knew that the Rebbe's son was going to be accepted to your yeshiva, didn't you?).

The Most Expensive Items on Amazon.com

Recently some kind Purple Pawn reader bought a 46" plasma HDTV through our affiliate code: clicked on a link through to Amazon.com from our site, navigated to the TV, and bought it. That extremely high-priced purchase netted us a tidy affiliate bonus. Thank you weirdo luxury fanatic, whomever you are.

In that spirit, I thought it might be helpful to point out some other ... uh ... luxury items that my kind, super-wealthy readers may have missed. Put otherwise, the most expensive items on Amazon in each category. (Rich Lafferty did this post two years ago, but times change.)

Be sure to click through this site if any strike your fancy.

Apparel


Russian Sable Fur Jacket - Wing Collar - $29,995.00

This lovely fur coat retails for $70,000, but it's yours for the paltry sum of only $30,000. A reviewer writes:

Nothing but the best for these sables, who were given several hours of scheduled play-time with youngsters specially screened for gentleness. The animals were frequently reassured that they were "cute" or "adorable." The "harvest" was accomplished in the most humane way possible, as the animals were gradually bored to death by recordings of old Soviet agricultural 5-year plan discussions. As each animal expired, a blessing was chanted by a clergyman of the Church of the Sub-Genius.

Ridiculous scale: 3. Hand-made furs from rare animals have always commanded exorbitant prices.

Automotive


Anchor 40x-580 Cylindercga/580 (100-40X-580) - $117,645.88

Yeah, I don't actually know what this is.

Ridiculous scale: I couldn't guess, but I'm going to have to say 9, given that this costs more than a new car. Several new cars.

Baby


Charades- Micro Fiber Plush Bunny - $9,999.99

I don't know if it comes with the plush carrot.

There's actually a tie in this category. Other products for $10,000 include this wooden Angel Line Glider Rocker, Big Rigs - Full Dust (a bed cover), a Dutailier Maple Ottoman, and LC Creations Save The Children Stay on Track Shelf with Pegs (a painted wooden coat hook).

Ridiculous factor: The ottoman I can see; I'll give that a 2. The rocking/slider is a bit pricey: 4. A $10,000 shelf or bunny suit? 10.

Beauty


Kinerase Lip Treatment - $38,100

This is $38.00 on the kinerase site; what we have here is a slip of the old decimal point. (On the other hand, the seller probably makes a commission depending on the price, so I say go for it.)

A non-error product is La Mer Creme de La Mer. 500 ml for $1,700.00.

Ridiculous scale: 10.

Books


Mrs. Skagg's Husbands. - $7,642,906.24

Yes, that's right. And 24 cents.

This may not count, since it's only sold used by a reseller. Spon's Architects' and Builders' Price Book 2009: Multi-user licence ships from Amazon for the paltry price of only $1,754,383.00.

Ridiculous scale: I guess that rare books can cost a lot of money, but the most expensive book ever sold was a first edition Shakespeare folio for $5 million. I'll give the first a 9, and the second a 10.

Camera and Photo


[USED] 1200/5.6L EF LENS (USM), 2527A001, 35mm Lenses - $120,000.00

Cameras is a sub-class of Electronics. Still worth a mention.

Ridiculous scale: 10

Electronics

CA DESKTOP MIGRATOR 2007 LARGE BOX ECOMMERCE 1U - $1,293,600.00

Once again, I have no idea what this is. They don't even provide a picture or description. I can tell you for sure that it's overpriced. Second place is a tie at $1,155,000 for either TSUNAMI MP.16 3500I SUBS INT 18DBI ANT 3.4-3.6 (a wireless antenna) and the ACE 12" Passive 2Way 800 Watt Speaker. A helpful comment: "When pointed at my neighbors and with the volume control set to '11', my neighbors house was reduced to dust. FCC license required."

Ridiculous scale: 11.

Everything Else


Harmensz van Rijn Rembrandt Etching Original Old Master - $275,000.00

An original Rembrandt c. 1649.

Ridiculous scale: 1.

Gourmet Food


Classic Grey Sevruga Caviar - 4.00 lb. / 1800 gr. (Free Overnight Shipping!) - $13,290.50

Better be free overnight shipping, as the stuff is perishable. As I keep kosher, I haven't a clue as to how much caviar should go for, but I still guess there's a limit to how much bang you can get for your buck at a price like this.

Ridiculous scale: 5

Grocery


Parent Child Testing Product - $25,000

Yet another item about which I have no clue. I don't even know what it's doing in the grocery section. The next most expensive item is a $3,000 Stainless Steel Tandoor Oven 36.

Ridiculous scale: probably 10, but who can tell? The oven might be somewhat reasonable if you're into that sort of thing.

Health


Queen Anne Cast Iron Table Base: Standard Height: 28.5" - $1,724,998.28

I'll go out on a limb and call this overpriced. What's it doing in the Health and Personal Care section? The next best item is this $100,000 F811-0297 Collecting Cell.

Ridiculous scale: 10

Home and Garden (also Tools)


HOE HNDL 54" W/FERRLE ASH - $2,555,557.99

You don't even get the whole hoe. Just the handle.

Runner up at $360,000.00: Meyda Tiffany 35'w Chandelier 72090.

Ridiculous scale: 10. Chandelier is high, but not unbelievable: 6.

Industrial and Scientific


Stainless Steel-Channels-Alloy- 304- 3 - $66,433.50

Once again I'm caught short. I hope it's not just the drawing. It weighs 33 pounds.

Runner up is an impressive looking TBS ATP1 Automated Tissue Processor; Floor model for $54,283.65.

Ridiculous scale: ??? but probably 7 or 8. Tissue processor is 1 or 2.

Jewelery


Platinum Sapphire and Diamond Necklace VAN CLEEF & ARPELS - $1,500,000.00

I admit it's pretty and it's got 100 cts of sapphires and 300 cts of diamonds.

Ridiculous scale: 3 for what it's worth, but spending money on rocks that cost this much is well past ridiculous.

Kindle Store

Selected Nuclear Materials and Engineering Systems (Part 4) - $6,431.20

This is a download. A download, people. And a DRM's download, at that. I love that it's part four, so you can't even make use of it unless you got the first three parts.

In the Video on Demand section, you have some videos at $600.

Ridiculous scale: 9 (might be worth something to someone)

Magazines

Cru International Quarterly Market Service Reports Package - $59,254.74

No picture provides. I checked around and this is what the CRU group charges for their magazines. Seems a bit pricey to me, but I guess they only have to sell a few copies. On the other hand, they also sell services, which I'm guessing must be not much more expensive.

Ridiculous scale: 3

Movies


"Complete Set" of Presentations-Professional Use DVD Copy - $2,999.95

It's not that I can't imagine a set of DVDs costing $3,000. It's just that the run time for this one is ... wait for it ... 3 minutes.

In VHS, you have Milady's Standard Comprehensive Training for Estheticians [VHS] for $2,809.10.

Golden Islands Far From West DVD and Chato's Kitchen [VHS] arefor sale by external retailers for $100,000.

Ridiculous scale: 10

Music


Essential Music Bundle - $3,615.44

Contains 178 essential CDs from music history, including rock, folk, opera, blues, and so on. Which is slightly over 20 bucks a disk. I can only assume that the roughly $2,000 too much that you're paying for this includes some kind of a neat booklet.

And you "Get $1 worth of MP3 downloads from Amazon MP3 after you order your item."

Something called Very Very Strong Wind is for sale by an external retailer for $100,000.

Ridiculous scale: 7

Musical Instruments


KolorGlobe XENON 4000 Architectural Moving-head Colour Changer (L557) - $31,600.00

It's a moving light that changes color. I'll guess that you can get pretty good versions of this for a wee bit cheaper.

Runner up is this $25,000 Gibson Custom Jeff Beck 1954 Les Paul Oxblood Aged Signed Electric Guitar personally hand-signed and played by Jeff Beck. One of fifty.

Ridiculous scale: 9.5 for the light, 2 for the guitar if you're into Beck.

Office Products


CNMMF6590 - ImageClass MF6590 Multifunction Printer - $79,799.00

Another slip of the decimal point, this should really be $797.99 . Another one is this Whittling Craft Knife Blade (680-11-111A) Category: Utility Knives; it only costs $160, but that's on sale from $102,400.00 .

Here's a $79,000.00 Curtis Australia Wildlife Warriors Endangered Species LTD Gem Set (6pcs) Fountain Pen.

Ridiculous scale: 10, including the pen.

Pet Supplies


Ring 5 Blow-DRY Creme Rinse - 1 Gal - $37,099.00

Pet supplies is a sub-category of home and garden.

I'm guessing there's another misplaced decimal point here. Instead, here's an $8,324.39 Deltec External Protein Skimmer AP1006.

Ridiculous scale: 10 for the shampoo. Probably a reasonable price for a protein skimmer, whatever that is.

Shoes


Moschino Vernice Luce A7407 Shoulder Bag - $7,695.00

I don't really get the fancy handbag obsession. And this one is made in China, so even more so. Doesn't even look that nice. What's this doing in shoes, anyway?

Here. For $5,926.95 you can get some Esquivel Men's W.K. Dress Shoe.

Ridiculous scale: 8

Software

Zetafax 5 User Starter System Business Edition - $1,155,000.00

A million dollar fax server. They also have over $100,000 technical support deals.

And this lovely science information disk, Cells (works on Win 98 and Mac) is available from an external seller for $8,496,425.80 .

Ridiculous scale: 10

Sports and Outdoors


Dublin Reserve Lace Up Ladies Paddock Boot - $49.90 - $214,061.00

I don't know what that pricing means. I'm pretty sure it's only $49.90.

Instead, here's 1930's Hall of Fame Autographed Baseball PSA/DNA: six baseballs autographed by nearly every famous early ball player. $44,805.00 .

Ridiculous scale: boots probably don't count. Baseballs: 1.

Toys and Games


deer four-sofa composition by moroso of italy - $34,104.00

No idea. Maybe it's a couch. Probably not a toy or a game.

A little detective work turned up this:


Princess Mega Series Modular Playground 5 Inch Posts - $43,102.33

which doesn't show up on the regular search.

Here's a $24,000 La Petite Maison Cottage Playhouse.

Ridiculous scale: house is 5, but rich kids need their playthings, I guess.

Video Games


Beyerdynamic Headzone PC Gaming Digital Surround Sound System with MMX300 Digital Headset with Microphone - $2,018.98

A paltry price for a system this lovely. Actually, the most expensive item here is a ATA-300A 300cc Air Cooled ATV for $2,359.00, but this really belongs in Toys.

Ridiculous scale: 1

Watches


Audemars Piguet Jules Audemars Mens Watch 25984OR.OO.1138OR.01 - $380,000.00

I would expect watches to be lumped in with jewelery, actually. This watch may seem expensive, but it's 46% off its retail price of $707,500.00.

Ridiculous scale: 7. Expensive watches are a given, but really.

Remember: Click through to support your favorite blogger!

The last two lines are verbatim

"The great thing about this type of fancy restaurant is that you can eat food you would never be able to make at home."

"Where are my glasses?"

"Look at these weird things."

"Look at these prices!"

"Stop it. Hmmm, veal brains in scallop sauce. Care to try it?"

"Tonight's special is a steak with fois gras in a brandy sauce with truffles."

"Truffles? Are those mushrooms?"

"I think they only grow for two weeks a year in France and you need specially trained pigs to snort them out."

"I've got some growing in my socks."

"I'll have the bearded liver in cannibalized sauce."

"That's seared liver in caramelized sauce."

"I can't see without my glasses."

"Look, here's sweetmeats. What's that?"

"That's balls. Try some."

"No it's not. It's tonsils. See, it says here 'shekedim'."

"No, I think it's balls."

"Yeah, between missing its brains and its balls, there's some poor beast walking around without any meaning in life."

"Nah, it can always run for knesset."

Self-Referential Chart 1

UK Copyright Law, in verse

U.S. Copyright Code | U.S. Patent Code | U.S. Trademark Code | Canadian Copyright Code

These verses contain
Some copyright Acts
The UK's, I say
As a matter of fact

Here in old England
It's not written plain -
Many acts and schedules
Are copyright's claim

For instance, fathom,
If you think you can:
A whole schedule just on
The book Peter Pan

To make up for this
They did something better:
"Design" laws are not simply
Lumped in together

Copyrights and patents
Are addressed separately;
Separate from designs,
Most sensibly

Anyhoo, please note
These verses are crude,
Reading the original's
Legally prude

It starts with an act
From one nine eight eight
On copyrights and patents
And designs, but just wait

Further amendments,
Provisions and rights
Are after appended,
Like day follows night

I'll cover just copyright;
Some other time
I'll get to the rights
On patents and design

Part 1

Chapter I

1

Copyright subsists
In writing, plays, movies,
Publishing, art, broadcasts,
And music; that's groovy

2

Two types of rights:
Moral and actions
Will soon be described
In following sections

3

You copyright books
And programs, all sized
Written or recorded
Even unauthorized

3A

Databases, too,
By which they mean lists
Of things, are also
In this here gist

4

Art includes maps
And casts of all sorts
Buildings and sketches
So on and so forth

5A

Sounds are copyrit
By these types of laws,
But only originals
It says in a clause

5B

Movies are this section's
Major concern
The soundtrack's included
Or so we do learn

6

Broadcasts are just that
This section's explaining
And no matter whether
It's sunny or raining

6A

If coming from satellite
The broadcast's considered
As coming from where it's
Being transmittered

8

Apart from the contents,
Copyright (too)
Is in how it's published:
Like one book, or two

9

Somehow the singers
Or actors are never
The copyright holders;
They must not be clever

10

More than one author
Can share in the rights
Which sometimes can lead to
Big author fist fights

11

Along with the "author"
There's also the "owner"
Which means your employer
Unless you're a loner

12

Digital works' rights
Last fifty years,
For others it's death
Plus seventy, I fears

13A

Music is locked for
Years making fifty
That's better, but fifteen
Sound even more nifty

13B

Movies are death plus
Seventy years;
Movies sell longer than
Music? How queers

14

Broadcasts are righted
For fifty years, too
Like live streaming webcams
Within London's zoo

15

Published arrangements
Are righted for shorter
Not half a century,
Only a quarter

15A

The country of origin
For works is considered
Graciously and fairly
So don't feel embittered

Chapter II

16

Various activities,
Timid or bolder,
Are exclusive to only
The copyright holder

17

You can't sculpt a painting
You can't paint a statue
Unless you want copy
Policemen to get you

18

If copies were made
But never were sold
You can't sell them even if
You scrape off the mold

18A

Apparently libraries
Cannot be erected
Since lending and renting
Are herein rejected

19

Performing or showing
Is also forbidden
Original works must be
Totally hidden

20

They all must be locked up
So no one can see 'em
And stuck in a basement
Or copy museum

21

Adapting a work
Means a translation
Or changing to graphic
Representation

22

Importing copies
Of dubious legality
Is also a no-no
Regardless of quality

23

Simple possession
Is also law-breaking
You'll be arrested
For what you are taking

24

If you merely look at
A copy machine
Or touch a computer
They'll cut out your spleen

25

In fact, if anyone,
Anywhere violates
Anything, you're guilty
Too, you ingrate

26

We're way past ridiculous
With what's written here
Suffice to say, everyone
Should shudder with fear

27

And this section tells us
That guilt's a presumption,
If it looks like a copy
It is by assumption

--

Whew! Now I'm ready
To go kill myself
First, I will burn all
The books on my shelf

Let's see if somehow
The following sections
Can offer some sort of
Free speech protection

Chapter III

28

So what is permitted
For copyright things?
The answer the sections
In this chapter brings

28A

Transitory copies
Made by machine
Are not an infringement
'Cause they're never seen

29

Copying for research
Is never infringement
When juxtaposed with
Proper acknowledgment

30

Also for reporting
And even review
Copying's permitted
In this section's view

31

Except for deliberately
Using song parts
It's fair if you briefly
Include stuff in art

31A

Copying items
For use by the blind
Is fair, if they can't use
The regular kind

31B

Exception, of course,
For musical works
And databases, also
Is one of the quirks

31C

For many blind people,
Works intermediate
May also be made
If this proves expedient

31D

But only if no other
License exists
For which rights to copy
For blind guys insists

31E

The State Secretary
Can decide that these laws
Were all a mistake
After giving it pause

31F

This section only
Clarifies phrases
Occurring in 31's
Sections, all places

32

Copying also
In most circumstances
Is ok, if somehow
Learning enhances

33

Also for textbooks
Copying's nice
When done every five years
And no more than twice

34

Schools perform plays
This says, but it's prudent
To not invite parents
Or siblings, just students

35

If no one is selling
Broadcasts for teaching,
Recording for lectures
Is fine, this is preaching

36

On March 31st
Xerox 1 percent
Of a book; the next day
You can do it again
(A strange reading, verily,
And not what they meant)

36A

Schools lend books,
Is what's written here
Exactly to whom
Is not made very clear

37

The next sections talk about
Hottie librarians
Those short skirted, dimple cheeked
Disciplinarians

38

Librarians copy
For you any article,
Only one copy for
Each periodical

39

And, quite bizarrely,
Only for money
Covering, at least,
The cost of copy

40

Hottie librarians
Should needlessly pester
Anyone who is a
Copy requester

40A

Here's the exemption
For libraries to lend
Without which all libraries
Would come to an end

41

A library may copy
For another, no stress,
Unless knowing author's
Name and address

42

Hottie librarians
Copy for backups
Between drinking coffee
And putting on makeup

43

Also they give you
What you really need
But first make you pay
And then make you plead

44

Sometimes a copy
Is needed for export
It's ok to copy for
Reasons of this sort

44A

I love this: "Regulations
Under this section
Can be for any purpose
Or any provision"

45

Copying by government
Anywhere, anytime,
Is retroactively
Considered just fine

46

Also if done for
A public commission
Copying is legal
Without no permission

47

Anything open
For public inspection
Can also be copied
And has no protection

48

If created specifically
For King or for Queen
They can replay it
Or publish it, it seems

49

All public records
Are copyable, you know
Like what I wrote
Two sections ago

50

Whenever the gov wants
To copy today
They just make an act
And then it's ok

50A

Software users
Can back up their disks
Regardless of what
EUI clause exists

50B

You also can do any
Decompilation
Whenever you have need
For inter-operation

50BA

OK.....
Apparently herein
It says you can see
A program as it runs
On your CRT

50C

Go fix your software,
If given permission,
In order to use it,
A sensible decision

50D

If you have the right
To access a database
Then you have the right
To access the database
(Don't ask me, I'm only
Visiting this place)

51

I had a rough time
Parsing this section,
It seems design rights
Give little protection

52

"An order shall be made
By statutory instrument
And subject to annulment
By House of Parliament." ???

53

Hoowee, speaking of
Designs and such stuff
The design of these sections
Is excessively rough

54

Typefaces are protected
Except you can use them
Or type, read, or publish
Or generally abuse them

55

Whatever, copyright
Last twenty five years
Although what it does
Is not very clear

56

If you are allowed
And send stuff by email
Delete all your copies
If you're male or female

57

Anonymous works by
The probably demised,
For seventy years
Are now authorized

58

Like others, this section
Says nothing new:
The owner can tell you
What you may do

59

You can read excerpts
And even record them
For later broadcasting
If you can afford them

60

Abstracts of papers
May be reproduced
Like "Habits of Mating
In Manchester Moose"

61

Folk music singing,
If all give permission,
Can be recorded
For archive addition

(Again, since permission
Is needed for this,
I can't see why sections
Like this one exist)

62

Section 17
Is now overturned:
Take photos or paint
Any building, we learn,
Or camcord a sculpture
That you can discern

63

All sorts of copies
For advertising
The sale of an item
Are fine improvising

64

If not now the owner,
The original creator
Can reuse material
For making works later

65

If a building falls down
It was probably defective
Rebuilding it's dumb
And I'm not a detective

66

Guys in the Parliament
Broadcast stuff,
After they think about
What fee's enough

66A

For any anonymous
Films that are old
Go copy away,
You may be so bold

67

If you have a club with
A righteous intention
You can play music
Without intervention

68

When broadcast is authorized
Some rights are suspended
But only for twenty eight
Days, then they're ended

69

BBC radio
Or television
Can copy for "control"
Or "supervision"

70

Time-shifting doodads
For watching shows later
Are perfectly legal
And couldn't be straighter

71

Taking a picture of
The telly is fine
For personal use
Any day, any time

72

I've read through this section
And don't understand it
Something about broadcasts
For free without music

73

Cable transmission
Is fine when it is
And not when it isn't
Is what this sec says

73A

They pay for each area
To which they transmit
Negotiating licenses
For which they remit

74

Copies of programs
For the deaf, when sub-titled,
Let them enjoy
American Idol

75

All broadcasts may
Be copied to archive
By whom the government
Does authorize

76

Anywhere previous
That copying's allowed
Adaption is permitted for
The very same crowd

Chapter IV

77

Moral rights means
You're identified
With works that you've made,
You can't go and hide

78

Luckily, these rights don't
Have to be asserted,
So go disown anything
You've made that's perverted

79

Not every copy
Requires your ID
If including it wouldn't
Be easily tidy

80

Rights include also
The right to complain
If use of your work
Damages your name

81

But not for reporting,
And not for software,
And not for censorship by
The BBC, take care

82

This sec imposes
Some qualification
But I didn't read it -
I took a vacation

83

The usual heaping
Of criminal accessories
Is now written here
In glorious excessories

84

You can't be ascribed
To what you didn't do,
(Nothing about denying what
You did do, boo hoo)

85

Private home movies
(And you know what I mean)
Do not have a right by
The public to be seen

86

The right to not be
Falsely ascribed
Lasts only til twenty years
After you've died
(This section was written by
Shakespeare's son Clyde)

87

You can waive moral rights
For what you have made
Just make sure you've been
Properly paid

88

Joint authorship
Is straight from above:
Take credit for work that
You're really proud of

89

How much of your work
Is protected by morals?
You'll have to read here,
Don't rest on your laurels

Chapter V

90

Copyright privilege
For some works of art
May be sub-licensed
In whole or in part

91

Give it away
Before you have won it
Much like the government
Seems to have done it

92

Exclusive license
Is herein defined,
Nothing new here,
Pay it no mind

93

Unpublished gifts,
When given, include
Copyright license
This section concludes

93A

Movie production
Rights, unless noted,
Include rental license
So here it's quoted

93B

Nevertheless,
Though rental's permitted
The author gets some of
The earnings remitted

93C

Just how much money
The author will get
Is, by some guys at a
Tribunal, set

94

Moral rights can't be
So rented out,
You're stuck with them, just like
A bad case of gout

95

But then, if you die,
They still get inherited
By people for which moral
Claim is not merited

Chapter VI

96

The guy with the copyright
Can sue, sue, sue,
And that's what he's surely
Intending to do

97

For innocent copying
You won't pay for damage
The copyright holders
Will just have to manage

97A

ISPs, notified,
Take down infringement,
Or find themselves subject
To harsh legal singement

98

If sued, you pay
Just like you should have;
You're clear, paying double
What you then would have

99

You may have to give up
Infringing works
To the rights-holder,
That's one of the quirks

100

The owner may seize any
Works in the shops
If he leaves a nice letter
And first tells the cops

101

Exclusive license
Won't let you sue
The owner; it seems like
It really ought to

101A

Other license holders
Have some rights, as well,
So bunches of people
Could sue you, oh swell

102

Copyright owners
When deciding to sue
Add all those others
to their lawsuit, too

103

When suing for moral
Rights, then the court
Can give useful orders
Of this or that sort

104

Assumptions are made;
Between you and me,
What happens when you
Assume liberally?

105

They assume who filmed this
They assume who wrote that
They pull these assumptions
Right out of their hat

106

When something is marked with
A crown copyright
They assume that the year
Is probably right

107

When guilty, they beat you
With large rusty hammers,
Or send you for ten years
Into the slammer

107A

"Local Weights and Measures"
Enforces these details;
Huh? What do they do?
Weigh them on scales?

108

Curious happenings
Are found in this clause
Each part of U.K.
Has its own set of laws

109

Warrants may be issued
When they do warrant
And not when the warrant
For warrants just aren't

110

Managers, directors,
And cute secretaries
Are liable for guilt that
Their company carries

111

Customs officials
Respond to requests
For barring infringement
They do their bests

112

So long as you fill out
All proper papers
And stamp them and fold them
And bang them with staplers

113

If you hid your copies
For more than six years
They can't take them from you
Or so it appears

114

The court sells illegal
Copies to get dough
And pays off the owners -
No really! It says so
(But buying them's legal?
That's what I want to know)

114A

This section talks about
Copies that got banned
And redress for owners
Everywhere but Scotland

114B

The subject continues
Here, Scotland only,
Scots laws are unique
They must get quite lonely

115

Likewise the court types
Depend on location
Calling this "United" is
A strange appellation

Chapter VII

116

This chapter's about
License and stuff,
Definitions and meanings
And that sort of fluff

117

With licensing types
This chapter is leading:
Copying, performing,
Renting, and reading

118

"Licensing bodies"
Is not what it seems
Regardless of what may
Occur in your dreams

119

You may be referred to
The copy tribunal
For arguments private
Or even communal

120

Tribunal discussions
Last for a year,
They sit and discuss
New problems they hear

121

They mumble and moan
And snuffle and snort
And try to make sense of
Each case of this sort

122

One wants a license
For this or for that,
Another one wants to
License his cat

123

The tribunal thinks hard
Until they have thunk
And then they go out to
A bar and get drunk

124

The next day they come back
To problems galore
Like claims upon authors
Of works, two or more

125

Depending on how bad
Their feel in their head
They might do some work
Or go back to bed

126

If you have a license
That's almost expired
Catch the tribunal
When they're pretty tired

127

They'll probably stamp
Whatever you're handing
If you're dressed and polite,
And not too demanding

128

If you get your license
You're legally able
To go out and sue every
Tom, Dick, and Mabel

128A

Excepted recordings;
When they are of sound
Have special instructions
Which herein are found

128B

The State Secretary
Is drawn in the fray
In the end, the tribunal
Has all the say

129

When figuring schemes
They take in account
Alternatives available,
Type and amount

130

Also, for copies,
Made on the fly,
They check what's available,
How many and why

131

They perforce consider
Each situation
And each circumstance
With deliberation

132

They listen to broadcasters
When they complain
That license for copying
Isn't germane

133

Also the payments
Must always be fair
You shouldn't have to
Be selling your heir

134

For retransmission,
Items considered
Include double payments
And where it's transmittered

135

Exceptions considered
In preceding clauses
Don't prevent further
"But"s or "because"s

135A

The following verses
Have now just begun
Their number is eight
Including this one

135B

All share the digits
Of one, three, and five
From which the numbers
For each verse derive

135C

All have a letter
From "A" until "H"
Which after the digits
Is firmly in place

135D

Ordering, too,
Is quite alphabetical
That's actual fact
And not theoretical

135E

Each verse is four lines
Which seems reasonable
And rhymes in a style
That's quite seasonable

135F

Making it pleasant
To read through the verses
The poetry's not great, but
It could have been worses

135G

When all's said and done
These sections will finish
But memories of them
Won't soon diminish

135H

Oh yeah! What's the text of
The acts for these sections?
... I'm sorry, it's late, I
Have no recollection

136

Broad license schemes
Indemnify those
Who make a mistake
When good will's supposed

137

If you run a school
And government likes you
The law can be bent if
Soon poised to strike you

138

First you must charm
The old Sec of State
Make him or her a big
Fudge chocolate cake

139

Better be careful
And bribe him real swell,
The copyright owner
Might bake cake, as well

140

After this cake
The State Sec may burble
And make up new rules
Written, not verbal

141

Early next day
He may then regret
Decisions he made,
You're not all safe yet

142

Royalty rates
For lending of works
Are subject to all of the
Tribunal's quirks

143

Licensing schemes
Can always be checked
Against all the rules
So that they're correct

144

Reasonable terms for
Your license, hot shot,
Is forced on you whether
You like it or not

144A

You can say yea
Or you can say nay
For cable to broadcast
Your song, book, or play

145

The Tribunal's members
Are playful and frisky:
Two deputies, chairman,
And bottles of whiskey

146

When the old guys get drunk,
They bring new guys in,
So they, on the whiskey,
Can henceforth begin

147

Parliament pays for
All of their wages
Considering BAC,
Experience, and ages

148

A chairman breaks ties,
And must be around,
If he can vote
Without falling down

149

The copy tribunal
Has jurisdiction
On stuff in a few of
The previous sections

150

There's Lord Chancellor
And Lord Advocate -
Ladies aren't written
Into laws, yet

151

Results may be made
On such and such date
For such and such terms
And such and such rate

152

You lost? Don't be sad
I know how you feel,
You always can try
To make an appeal

Chapter IX

153

This chapter tell us
What stuff qualifies
For copy protection;
Sit up, gals and guys!

154

If it took ten years to
Record, night and day,
Be British for five years
At least, plus a day

155

Or, get it published
Inside the UK
Or else in a country
Who thinks she's OK

156

Or, if transmitted,
From somewhere inside,
Copyright's coming,
Don't try to hide

157

The Queen may decide
That any old land
Is worthy of copy
Protection, how grand!

158

Colonies once owned -
Subsequently not -
Gain partial protection
You miserable lot

159

Whoops, it now seems
That really the Queen
Can only give rights to
A country that's clean

160

Miserable countries
That copy unfairly
Will get a swift kick in
The buttocks, squarely

161

All things that float
Within UK's waters
Are subject to this,
As surely they oughter

162

Ships that are British
Are henceforth defined
Though mentioned in no place
Ahead or behind

Chapter X

163

Crown copyright
Is applied to all works
By Queen or her servants,
That's one of the perks

164

Also Her Majesty
Can copy all Acts
And paste them with ribbons
On all royal cats

165

Parliamentary
Copyright, too
Affects works that MPs
Ask you to do

166

Bills are all morally
Protected, all sorts,
Not making the bills
All moral, of course

167

An MP who's low
On the task totem pole
Is given the "defend
Our copyrights" role

168

Protection applies to
Orgs international
Whenever the Queen thinks
To do so is rational

169

Folk tales, anon works,
Myths, lore: the lot
Default as protected
Unless proven not

170

Another whole schedule
Is written besides;
To works published prior to
This Act applied

171

This section says "Ha!
Just kidding, you fools!
No one is affected by
Any of these rules!"

172

The EEA means
European sorts
Regardless of language,
Temperament, or warts

173

When relevant, joint
Copyright's applied
To all of the owners,
As already implied

174

Teachers are people
Who teach, and, as well,
Students are people
Who study; do tell

175

Performing a work
Isn't publishing, y'all,
Nor playing or hanging
A work on a wall

176

Signature, when
It's required, is fine
If anyone relevant
And sober will sign

177

English is translated
To English for Scots:
They'll read it after
Drinking some shots

178

More definitions
Now get related
After you're already
Tired and frustrated

179

Lastly a glossary
Or index a kind;
Now have a lie down
And try to unwind

(But please also note
That good old UK
Tacked on the equiv
Of the DMCA)


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