UK Copyright Law, in verse

U.S. Copyright Code | U.S. Patent Code | U.S. Trademark Code | Canadian Copyright Code

These verses contain
Some copyright Acts
The UK's, I say
As a matter of fact

Here in old England
It's not written plain -
Many acts and schedules
Are copyright's claim

For instance, fathom,
If you think you can:
A whole schedule just on
The book Peter Pan

To make up for this
They did something better:
"Design" laws are not simply
Lumped in together

Copyrights and patents
Are addressed separately;
Separate from designs,
Most sensibly

Anyhoo, please note
These verses are crude,
Reading the original's
Legally prude

It starts with an act
From one nine eight eight
On copyrights and patents
And designs, but just wait

Further amendments,
Provisions and rights
Are after appended,
Like day follows night

I'll cover just copyright;
Some other time
I'll get to the rights
On patents and design

Part 1

Chapter I

1

Copyright subsists
In writing, plays, movies,
Publishing, art, broadcasts,
And music; that's groovy

2

Two types of rights:
Moral and actions
Will soon be described
In following sections

3

You copyright books
And programs, all sized
Written or recorded
Even unauthorized

3A

Databases, too,
By which they mean lists
Of things, are also
In this here gist

4

Art includes maps
And casts of all sorts
Buildings and sketches
So on and so forth

5A

Sounds are copyrit
By these types of laws,
But only originals
It says in a clause

5B

Movies are this section's
Major concern
The soundtrack's included
Or so we do learn

6

Broadcasts are just that
This section's explaining
And no matter whether
It's sunny or raining

6A

If coming from satellite
The broadcast's considered
As coming from where it's
Being transmittered

8

Apart from the contents,
Copyright (too)
Is in how it's published:
Like one book, or two

9

Somehow the singers
Or actors are never
The copyright holders;
They must not be clever

10

More than one author
Can share in the rights
Which sometimes can lead to
Big author fist fights

11

Along with the "author"
There's also the "owner"
Which means your employer
Unless you're a loner

12

Digital works' rights
Last fifty years,
For others it's death
Plus seventy, I fears

13A

Music is locked for
Years making fifty
That's better, but fifteen
Sound even more nifty

13B

Movies are death plus
Seventy years;
Movies sell longer than
Music? How queers

14

Broadcasts are righted
For fifty years, too
Like live streaming webcams
Within London's zoo

15

Published arrangements
Are righted for shorter
Not half a century,
Only a quarter

15A

The country of origin
For works is considered
Graciously and fairly
So don't feel embittered

Chapter II

16

Various activities,
Timid or bolder,
Are exclusive to only
The copyright holder

17

You can't sculpt a painting
You can't paint a statue
Unless you want copy
Policemen to get you

18

If copies were made
But never were sold
You can't sell them even if
You scrape off the mold

18A

Apparently libraries
Cannot be erected
Since lending and renting
Are herein rejected

19

Performing or showing
Is also forbidden
Original works must be
Totally hidden

20

They all must be locked up
So no one can see 'em
And stuck in a basement
Or copy museum

21

Adapting a work
Means a translation
Or changing to graphic
Representation

22

Importing copies
Of dubious legality
Is also a no-no
Regardless of quality

23

Simple possession
Is also law-breaking
You'll be arrested
For what you are taking

24

If you merely look at
A copy machine
Or touch a computer
They'll cut out your spleen

25

In fact, if anyone,
Anywhere violates
Anything, you're guilty
Too, you ingrate

26

We're way past ridiculous
With what's written here
Suffice to say, everyone
Should shudder with fear

27

And this section tells us
That guilt's a presumption,
If it looks like a copy
It is by assumption

--

Whew! Now I'm ready
To go kill myself
First, I will burn all
The books on my shelf

Let's see if somehow
The following sections
Can offer some sort of
Free speech protection

Chapter III

28

So what is permitted
For copyright things?
The answer the sections
In this chapter brings

28A

Transitory copies
Made by machine
Are not an infringement
'Cause they're never seen

29

Copying for research
Is never infringement
When juxtaposed with
Proper acknowledgment

30

Also for reporting
And even review
Copying's permitted
In this section's view

31

Except for deliberately
Using song parts
It's fair if you briefly
Include stuff in art

31A

Copying items
For use by the blind
Is fair, if they can't use
The regular kind

31B

Exception, of course,
For musical works
And databases, also
Is one of the quirks

31C

For many blind people,
Works intermediate
May also be made
If this proves expedient

31D

But only if no other
License exists
For which rights to copy
For blind guys insists

31E

The State Secretary
Can decide that these laws
Were all a mistake
After giving it pause

31F

This section only
Clarifies phrases
Occurring in 31's
Sections, all places

32

Copying also
In most circumstances
Is ok, if somehow
Learning enhances

33

Also for textbooks
Copying's nice
When done every five years
And no more than twice

34

Schools perform plays
This says, but it's prudent
To not invite parents
Or siblings, just students

35

If no one is selling
Broadcasts for teaching,
Recording for lectures
Is fine, this is preaching

36

On March 31st
Xerox 1 percent
Of a book; the next day
You can do it again
(A strange reading, verily,
And not what they meant)

36A

Schools lend books,
Is what's written here
Exactly to whom
Is not made very clear

37

The next sections talk about
Hottie librarians
Those short skirted, dimple cheeked
Disciplinarians

38

Librarians copy
For you any article,
Only one copy for
Each periodical

39

And, quite bizarrely,
Only for money
Covering, at least,
The cost of copy

40

Hottie librarians
Should needlessly pester
Anyone who is a
Copy requester

40A

Here's the exemption
For libraries to lend
Without which all libraries
Would come to an end

41

A library may copy
For another, no stress,
Unless knowing author's
Name and address

42

Hottie librarians
Copy for backups
Between drinking coffee
And putting on makeup

43

Also they give you
What you really need
But first make you pay
And then make you plead

44

Sometimes a copy
Is needed for export
It's ok to copy for
Reasons of this sort

44A

I love this: "Regulations
Under this section
Can be for any purpose
Or any provision"

45

Copying by government
Anywhere, anytime,
Is retroactively
Considered just fine

46

Also if done for
A public commission
Copying is legal
Without no permission

47

Anything open
For public inspection
Can also be copied
And has no protection

48

If created specifically
For King or for Queen
They can replay it
Or publish it, it seems

49

All public records
Are copyable, you know
Like what I wrote
Two sections ago

50

Whenever the gov wants
To copy today
They just make an act
And then it's ok

50A

Software users
Can back up their disks
Regardless of what
EUI clause exists

50B

You also can do any
Decompilation
Whenever you have need
For inter-operation

50BA

OK.....
Apparently herein
It says you can see
A program as it runs
On your CRT

50C

Go fix your software,
If given permission,
In order to use it,
A sensible decision

50D

If you have the right
To access a database
Then you have the right
To access the database
(Don't ask me, I'm only
Visiting this place)

51

I had a rough time
Parsing this section,
It seems design rights
Give little protection

52

"An order shall be made
By statutory instrument
And subject to annulment
By House of Parliament." ???

53

Hoowee, speaking of
Designs and such stuff
The design of these sections
Is excessively rough

54

Typefaces are protected
Except you can use them
Or type, read, or publish
Or generally abuse them

55

Whatever, copyright
Last twenty five years
Although what it does
Is not very clear

56

If you are allowed
And send stuff by email
Delete all your copies
If you're male or female

57

Anonymous works by
The probably demised,
For seventy years
Are now authorized

58

Like others, this section
Says nothing new:
The owner can tell you
What you may do

59

You can read excerpts
And even record them
For later broadcasting
If you can afford them

60

Abstracts of papers
May be reproduced
Like "Habits of Mating
In Manchester Moose"

61

Folk music singing,
If all give permission,
Can be recorded
For archive addition

(Again, since permission
Is needed for this,
I can't see why sections
Like this one exist)

62

Section 17
Is now overturned:
Take photos or paint
Any building, we learn,
Or camcord a sculpture
That you can discern

63

All sorts of copies
For advertising
The sale of an item
Are fine improvising

64

If not now the owner,
The original creator
Can reuse material
For making works later

65

If a building falls down
It was probably defective
Rebuilding it's dumb
And I'm not a detective

66

Guys in the Parliament
Broadcast stuff,
After they think about
What fee's enough

66A

For any anonymous
Films that are old
Go copy away,
You may be so bold

67

If you have a club with
A righteous intention
You can play music
Without intervention

68

When broadcast is authorized
Some rights are suspended
But only for twenty eight
Days, then they're ended

69

BBC radio
Or television
Can copy for "control"
Or "supervision"

70

Time-shifting doodads
For watching shows later
Are perfectly legal
And couldn't be straighter

71

Taking a picture of
The telly is fine
For personal use
Any day, any time

72

I've read through this section
And don't understand it
Something about broadcasts
For free without music

73

Cable transmission
Is fine when it is
And not when it isn't
Is what this sec says

73A

They pay for each area
To which they transmit
Negotiating licenses
For which they remit

74

Copies of programs
For the deaf, when sub-titled,
Let them enjoy
American Idol

75

All broadcasts may
Be copied to archive
By whom the government
Does authorize

76

Anywhere previous
That copying's allowed
Adaption is permitted for
The very same crowd

Chapter IV

77

Moral rights means
You're identified
With works that you've made,
You can't go and hide

78

Luckily, these rights don't
Have to be asserted,
So go disown anything
You've made that's perverted

79

Not every copy
Requires your ID
If including it wouldn't
Be easily tidy

80

Rights include also
The right to complain
If use of your work
Damages your name

81

But not for reporting,
And not for software,
And not for censorship by
The BBC, take care

82

This sec imposes
Some qualification
But I didn't read it -
I took a vacation

83

The usual heaping
Of criminal accessories
Is now written here
In glorious excessories

84

You can't be ascribed
To what you didn't do,
(Nothing about denying what
You did do, boo hoo)

85

Private home movies
(And you know what I mean)
Do not have a right by
The public to be seen

86

The right to not be
Falsely ascribed
Lasts only til twenty years
After you've died
(This section was written by
Shakespeare's son Clyde)

87

You can waive moral rights
For what you have made
Just make sure you've been
Properly paid

88

Joint authorship
Is straight from above:
Take credit for work that
You're really proud of

89

How much of your work
Is protected by morals?
You'll have to read here,
Don't rest on your laurels

Chapter V

90

Copyright privilege
For some works of art
May be sub-licensed
In whole or in part

91

Give it away
Before you have won it
Much like the government
Seems to have done it

92

Exclusive license
Is herein defined,
Nothing new here,
Pay it no mind

93

Unpublished gifts,
When given, include
Copyright license
This section concludes

93A

Movie production
Rights, unless noted,
Include rental license
So here it's quoted

93B

Nevertheless,
Though rental's permitted
The author gets some of
The earnings remitted

93C

Just how much money
The author will get
Is, by some guys at a
Tribunal, set

94

Moral rights can't be
So rented out,
You're stuck with them, just like
A bad case of gout

95

But then, if you die,
They still get inherited
By people for which moral
Claim is not merited

Chapter VI

96

The guy with the copyright
Can sue, sue, sue,
And that's what he's surely
Intending to do

97

For innocent copying
You won't pay for damage
The copyright holders
Will just have to manage

97A

ISPs, notified,
Take down infringement,
Or find themselves subject
To harsh legal singement

98

If sued, you pay
Just like you should have;
You're clear, paying double
What you then would have

99

You may have to give up
Infringing works
To the rights-holder,
That's one of the quirks

100

The owner may seize any
Works in the shops
If he leaves a nice letter
And first tells the cops

101

Exclusive license
Won't let you sue
The owner; it seems like
It really ought to

101A

Other license holders
Have some rights, as well,
So bunches of people
Could sue you, oh swell

102

Copyright owners
When deciding to sue
Add all those others
to their lawsuit, too

103

When suing for moral
Rights, then the court
Can give useful orders
Of this or that sort

104

Assumptions are made;
Between you and me,
What happens when you
Assume liberally?

105

They assume who filmed this
They assume who wrote that
They pull these assumptions
Right out of their hat

106

When something is marked with
A crown copyright
They assume that the year
Is probably right

107

When guilty, they beat you
With large rusty hammers,
Or send you for ten years
Into the slammer

107A

"Local Weights and Measures"
Enforces these details;
Huh? What do they do?
Weigh them on scales?

108

Curious happenings
Are found in this clause
Each part of U.K.
Has its own set of laws

109

Warrants may be issued
When they do warrant
And not when the warrant
For warrants just aren't

110

Managers, directors,
And cute secretaries
Are liable for guilt that
Their company carries

111

Customs officials
Respond to requests
For barring infringement
They do their bests

112

So long as you fill out
All proper papers
And stamp them and fold them
And bang them with staplers

113

If you hid your copies
For more than six years
They can't take them from you
Or so it appears

114

The court sells illegal
Copies to get dough
And pays off the owners -
No really! It says so
(But buying them's legal?
That's what I want to know)

114A

This section talks about
Copies that got banned
And redress for owners
Everywhere but Scotland

114B

The subject continues
Here, Scotland only,
Scots laws are unique
They must get quite lonely

115

Likewise the court types
Depend on location
Calling this "United" is
A strange appellation

Chapter VII

116

This chapter's about
License and stuff,
Definitions and meanings
And that sort of fluff

117

With licensing types
This chapter is leading:
Copying, performing,
Renting, and reading

118

"Licensing bodies"
Is not what it seems
Regardless of what may
Occur in your dreams

119

You may be referred to
The copy tribunal
For arguments private
Or even communal

120

Tribunal discussions
Last for a year,
They sit and discuss
New problems they hear

121

They mumble and moan
And snuffle and snort
And try to make sense of
Each case of this sort

122

One wants a license
For this or for that,
Another one wants to
License his cat

123

The tribunal thinks hard
Until they have thunk
And then they go out to
A bar and get drunk

124

The next day they come back
To problems galore
Like claims upon authors
Of works, two or more

125

Depending on how bad
Their feel in their head
They might do some work
Or go back to bed

126

If you have a license
That's almost expired
Catch the tribunal
When they're pretty tired

127

They'll probably stamp
Whatever you're handing
If you're dressed and polite,
And not too demanding

128

If you get your license
You're legally able
To go out and sue every
Tom, Dick, and Mabel

128A

Excepted recordings;
When they are of sound
Have special instructions
Which herein are found

128B

The State Secretary
Is drawn in the fray
In the end, the tribunal
Has all the say

129

When figuring schemes
They take in account
Alternatives available,
Type and amount

130

Also, for copies,
Made on the fly,
They check what's available,
How many and why

131

They perforce consider
Each situation
And each circumstance
With deliberation

132

They listen to broadcasters
When they complain
That license for copying
Isn't germane

133

Also the payments
Must always be fair
You shouldn't have to
Be selling your heir

134

For retransmission,
Items considered
Include double payments
And where it's transmittered

135

Exceptions considered
In preceding clauses
Don't prevent further
"But"s or "because"s

135A

The following verses
Have now just begun
Their number is eight
Including this one

135B

All share the digits
Of one, three, and five
From which the numbers
For each verse derive

135C

All have a letter
From "A" until "H"
Which after the digits
Is firmly in place

135D

Ordering, too,
Is quite alphabetical
That's actual fact
And not theoretical

135E

Each verse is four lines
Which seems reasonable
And rhymes in a style
That's quite seasonable

135F

Making it pleasant
To read through the verses
The poetry's not great, but
It could have been worses

135G

When all's said and done
These sections will finish
But memories of them
Won't soon diminish

135H

Oh yeah! What's the text of
The acts for these sections?
... I'm sorry, it's late, I
Have no recollection

136

Broad license schemes
Indemnify those
Who make a mistake
When good will's supposed

137

If you run a school
And government likes you
The law can be bent if
Soon poised to strike you

138

First you must charm
The old Sec of State
Make him or her a big
Fudge chocolate cake

139

Better be careful
And bribe him real swell,
The copyright owner
Might bake cake, as well

140

After this cake
The State Sec may burble
And make up new rules
Written, not verbal

141

Early next day
He may then regret
Decisions he made,
You're not all safe yet

142

Royalty rates
For lending of works
Are subject to all of the
Tribunal's quirks

143

Licensing schemes
Can always be checked
Against all the rules
So that they're correct

144

Reasonable terms for
Your license, hot shot,
Is forced on you whether
You like it or not

144A

You can say yea
Or you can say nay
For cable to broadcast
Your song, book, or play

145

The Tribunal's members
Are playful and frisky:
Two deputies, chairman,
And bottles of whiskey

146

When the old guys get drunk,
They bring new guys in,
So they, on the whiskey,
Can henceforth begin

147

Parliament pays for
All of their wages
Considering BAC,
Experience, and ages

148

A chairman breaks ties,
And must be around,
If he can vote
Without falling down

149

The copy tribunal
Has jurisdiction
On stuff in a few of
The previous sections

150

There's Lord Chancellor
And Lord Advocate -
Ladies aren't written
Into laws, yet

151

Results may be made
On such and such date
For such and such terms
And such and such rate

152

You lost? Don't be sad
I know how you feel,
You always can try
To make an appeal

Chapter IX

153

This chapter tell us
What stuff qualifies
For copy protection;
Sit up, gals and guys!

154

If it took ten years to
Record, night and day,
Be British for five years
At least, plus a day

155

Or, get it published
Inside the UK
Or else in a country
Who thinks she's OK

156

Or, if transmitted,
From somewhere inside,
Copyright's coming,
Don't try to hide

157

The Queen may decide
That any old land
Is worthy of copy
Protection, how grand!

158

Colonies once owned -
Subsequently not -
Gain partial protection
You miserable lot

159

Whoops, it now seems
That really the Queen
Can only give rights to
A country that's clean

160

Miserable countries
That copy unfairly
Will get a swift kick in
The buttocks, squarely

161

All things that float
Within UK's waters
Are subject to this,
As surely they oughter

162

Ships that are British
Are henceforth defined
Though mentioned in no place
Ahead or behind

Chapter X

163

Crown copyright
Is applied to all works
By Queen or her servants,
That's one of the perks

164

Also Her Majesty
Can copy all Acts
And paste them with ribbons
On all royal cats

165

Parliamentary
Copyright, too
Affects works that MPs
Ask you to do

166

Bills are all morally
Protected, all sorts,
Not making the bills
All moral, of course

167

An MP who's low
On the task totem pole
Is given the "defend
Our copyrights" role

168

Protection applies to
Orgs international
Whenever the Queen thinks
To do so is rational

169

Folk tales, anon works,
Myths, lore: the lot
Default as protected
Unless proven not

170

Another whole schedule
Is written besides;
To works published prior to
This Act applied

171

This section says "Ha!
Just kidding, you fools!
No one is affected by
Any of these rules!"

172

The EEA means
European sorts
Regardless of language,
Temperament, or warts

173

When relevant, joint
Copyright's applied
To all of the owners,
As already implied

174

Teachers are people
Who teach, and, as well,
Students are people
Who study; do tell

175

Performing a work
Isn't publishing, y'all,
Nor playing or hanging
A work on a wall

176

Signature, when
It's required, is fine
If anyone relevant
And sober will sign

177

English is translated
To English for Scots:
They'll read it after
Drinking some shots

178

More definitions
Now get related
After you're already
Tired and frustrated

179

Lastly a glossary
Or index a kind;
Now have a lie down
And try to unwind

(But please also note
That good old UK
Tacked on the equiv
Of the DMCA)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 2.5 License.
Attribution should include a live link to this blog post, whenever possible; text link otherwise. License for commercial usage also available from the owner.

Ben Kenobi, Private Jedeye

Have to pass on viral videos once in a while, just to keep up with the Joneses.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

(via, via)

Yehuda

P.S. You may also like Sith'd, by the same team.

How To: Cross-Hiking the Appalachian Trail

The Appalachian Trail is one of the most beautiful paths in North America, as well as it's longest marked footpath. It crosses six national parks and eight national forests, and touches fourteen states.

Along its 2,175 mile length running from Maine in the north to Georgia in the south, you can see majestic mountains, verdant forests, sun-dappled fall leaves, rolling green hills, busy highways, and small towns. It encompasses much of what is wonderful about America.

Cross-hiking is the arduous goal of crossing the entire trail from east to west (or west to east). In this guide, I discuss what you need to know before you try to cross-hike the Appalachian trail.

Choosing a Location

Along the 2,175 miles of trail, the trail is by turns wider and narrower. In some places, the trail is as narrow as five feet; in others as wide as twenty feet or more.

Therefore, your cross-hiking experience will greatly depend on where you decided to cross.

Furthermore, you need to choose your crossing location based on where you can park your car. In many places along the trail, you can't get any closer than 30 or 40 feet. That means that you'll be spending even more time walking to the trail than crossing it!

You should also consider the type of terrain you are going to find along the trail in the location you choose. Some places are fairly rocky and make for difficult hiking. Others are relatively smooth and easy-going. The best location will have a lot of shade so you won't need to spend too much time hiking in the sun.

Be a careful hiker and remember to have a driver waiting on the other end of the trail, or you may find yourself with no way to get back to your car. This nearly happened to me.

Choosing the Right Equipment

Light packing is essential when you'll be walking for great distances such as this.

Don't be tempted to bring an entire case of beer and crates of chips. Two beers, a bag of chips, and a few emergency donuts are sufficient. Bring a well-charged cellphone in case you need to call for emergency rations.

Choose a strong backpack with a sturdy frame. Place the the beer and snacks you don't take with you into it and leave it in the car. You'll want to make sure these are safe and waiting for you after the hike is finished.

Suitable clothes include a good pair of sneakers and comfortable clothing that is appropriate for the time of year and day's weather.

You probably won't need a map, but bring one along just in case. Most areas will have signs to help you find the nearest 7/11 after your hike, anyway.

A good personal music device is also recommended, for those long minutes of hiking ahead of you, unless you are going with a friend or a group, in which case you'll need one for each person.

Physical Preparation

As this will most likely be the most exercise you've had in several years, you will need to work up to this level of activity so that you don't end up straining yourself. Too little preparation will cut your hike short.

Practice by gradually taking longer and longer walks on the weeks leading up to the hike. Start by sitting up on the couch - not too fast, you don't want to strain yourself. Then standing up, walking over to the TV and back, walking to the bathroom and back, and so on.

The rule is to not strain yourself. If you find yourself getting tired or dizzy in any of the previous walks, immediately sit down and rest. Make sure you have several bottles of beer to drink nearby and a friend who can help you, if necessary.

Rest Stops

Rest stops for cross-hiking are generally not marked, so feel free to sit down anywhere on the trail that is convenient for you.

The best rest places are in shady areas. You might want to bring a small pillow along if you'll be hiking in a particularly rocky area.

Rest as much as you need, but no more. You'll want to get home for the evening lineup on TV.

Wildlife

The thousands of miles along the beautiful Appalachian trail is home to many diverse species of wildlife and assorted plants, trees, and wildflowers. Some of these are unique to the trail habitat. Many of the animals and flowers you can see are incredibly beautiful. Try not to let these distract you.

Most plants and trees are avoidable by carrying a portable DVD player with you while you're walking. Watching a DVD while you hike increases the possibility of tripping and falling on the trail, so to protect yourself, make sure that the DVD player is solid and won't break if you fall. Try wrapping the edges of the player with a shirt or blanket, and clutch it to your chest as you tip over.

A DVD player won't protect you from encounters with nature's creatures, so here is a quick guide to some of the animals you may encounter, and what to do about them:

• Deer: Deer don't eat people. People eat deer. If you encounter a deer, taunt it with a salami sandwich: "Hiya Bambi! Your mom sure tastes great! I still have a few slices left if you want to have a try."
• Wolves: Wolves eat people. People don't eat wolves. Don't hike where there are wolves.
• Bears: Bears eat people. People eat bears. It's a toss up.
• Those small things with wings that fly around in the morning making a racket: A few well tossed rocks should do the trick with these.
• Thruhikers: These extremely dangerous animals are to be avoided at all costs. They typically walk up and down the entire trail from south to north (or more rarely, from north to south) and some are known to be hippie fanatics who don't watch television and carry granola. If you see one, turn and run as quickly as possible, preferably waving your arms and screaming in terror.

The Reward

Many people give up cross-hiking before they even get out of the car. Don't let this happen to you. The reward of success is more than worth the effort.

If you complete your journey, consider rewarding yourself with a new reclining chair with built-in refrigerator and remote control. You've earned it! And what's more, you'll have great memories of your youth and the fine day that you overcame all obstacles and managed to cross-hike the entire Appalachian trail.

Take it easy,
Yehuda Berlinger

The Gamer's Wife

Once upon a midnight highway, while I wandered on in my way
Over many a potholed street in darkness near the Jersey shore,
I was nodding, nearly napping, when there came a raucous rapping,
Like ten rusted steel bars slapping, shaking both windows and doors
"'Tis the radio," I murmured, "playing music I abhor -
Only this, and nothing more."

Turning off the screeching noises, with its damned discordant voices,
Wasn't one of my top choices, though they made my head quite sore,
For I'd nearly finished driving, and to keep myself surviving
I would need to keep on striving not to lay down on the floor
And to sleep and find my dress all covered with a bloody gore -
Which I'd washed the night before.

Finally, I reached my own street, all the lawns cut clean and grown neat -
All except my own, of course, for I'd neglected late that chore -
Stumbling from my metal carriage, I was thankful for my marriage
Knowing that I'd not disparage finding my man's swept the floor,
Done the dishes, maybe even put the silver in the drawer;
And look, he's met me at the door!

Keeping my eyes open, barely, I plain fell upon him, squarely,
Knocking both of us into a heap upon the hallway floor;
Then I said, "Just drag me gently to my bed, and incidentally,
If you'd take my clothes off on the way, I promise to adore
You for it in the morning, but now please don't mind me while I snore."
Only this, and nothing more.

Maybe I was sore projecting; not, I must admit, expecting
Him to calmly roll me off and pick himself up off the floor;
Off'ring me his outstretched hand, he, in manner spry and grand,
Indicated I should stand and turn and look the table o'er
I did arch an eyebrow at him as he pointed and implored,
Speaking "Look!" and nothing more.

Moaning, I stood up and glanced then, wondering what had more entranced him
Than his poor and tired wife who wanted sleep and nothing more;
There, upon the kitchen table, as I stood and swayed, unstable,
My eyesight was blurred but able now to tally up the score
There was box and board and rules and dice and plastic men galore,
His birthday present: BattleLore

"What about it?" I retorted, looking at the dishes, sordid
Still unwashed and heaped unsorted as they were the night before;
Well, at least the floor I stepped upon appeared to have been swept
I figured, seeing how inept the broom was hung from closet door;
Then I felt more shock then I had ever thought I could endure -
Asked my husband: "BattleLore?"

"Oh my God! You must be joking! What the Hell have you been smoking?
I am faint and fairly croaking here upon the kitchen floor!"
Set on his unholy mission, I could see he didn't listen,
I could see his eyeballs glisten and into my own did bore,
An aching started in my head and quickly did become a roar;
Asked my husband: "BattleLore?"

"Go away, you rotten creep! I am sore in need of sleep
And to bed I now retreat, if I can find the bedroom door.
You can stay and get your jollies playing with your plastic dollies
Just be quiet playing, please. Oh, one thing more I must implore:
Please try not to wake me when you come to bed at half past four."
Asked my husband: "BattleLore?"

"Ah! You most obnoxious husband! Midnight games are not what I planned;
Even your brain, made of quicksand, must about this point be sure ...
Anyway, this game's annoying, not the sort that I'm enjoying,
Too much repetition, fiddly rules, and luck, which I abhor,
Come, let's play a hand of Gin and then I'll sleep forevermore."
Asked my husband: "BattleLore?"

"Ah! You masochistic cretin! Don't you know you'll just get beaten
Once again you'll be retreatin' while I kill your troops galore.
What a foul and tedious present that I gave you, how I relent!
Seeing as you're now all Hell bent set on even'ing up the score;
What's our record now? Oh, yes. I've beat you twenty-three to four."
Murmured hubbie: "Twenty-four."

So coerced again, unwilling, into wholesale carnage, killing
All his troops - oh joy, how thrilling - in - I'll charitably call - a war,
My head nods upon my forearm, as he tries to save from more harm
His remaining legions now surrounded and trapped on the shore;
I think fondly, "Idiot, but my idiot which I do adore."
While he plays, I soundly snore.

Yehuda

Passover Story: Lord of the Reed Sea

My last story was written for my step-son, and is based on the classic The Lord of the Rings, by J. R. R. Tolkien. I'm sure this author and his series need no introduction here.

It is the least successful of my stories, I feel, because Tolkien is a hard author to emulate, particularly his constant references to ancient songs.

This story is based on the midrash that the waters to the Reed Sea didn't open until Nachshon jumped in as a show of faith. My poor poem, such as it is, is based on the final song in the Hagaddah, "Had Gadya".

Lord of the Reed Sea

Before them lay the great swirling waters of the Great Reed Sea, known in the Hebrew language as Yam Suf, Sea of Ends. It's waters crashed against the shore of dark rock they were standing on. Behind them, the endless hosts of Pharaoh, King of the Mitzrim, came shrieking and gibbering. They were still an hour's distance, but Joshua thought he could already smell their foul stench.

"We can't go forward!" he cried. "Moshe, what can we do?"

"Half a moment, half a moment! I must rest!" he declared, and sat himself down against a jutting black admantite rock.

Joshua, only son of Nun, threw himself down on the wide expanse of ground, exhausted. Moshe sat with his back against the large rock, mumbling to himself and blowing blue smoke rings that drifted lazily above his head. Nachshon, son of Aminadav, dropped his heavy sack, swung his cedar bow off of his shoulder and began polishing it with mirkwood oil. He cast worried glances at the wizard, and glanced at Joshua. The stout warrior just shrugged his shoulders in reply.

Joshua spoke, "It seems as if I have been running since Abraham, Patriarch of Canaan, first chased the hosts of the five kings through the valley of Sodom. How did I ever let you drag me into this, Nachshon? I wish I were back in my little house in Mitzrayim, eating celery and cucumber sandwiches, the teapot just beginning to boil." It was not the last time that he wished for that!

"Your home is likely taken by the Mitzrim now, Joshua. You must keep up your courage, for we still have a long way to travel." The skilled archer put away his oil, and studied his bowstring, trying to judge if the string was still sound.

"Why is this burden laid upon our backs?" exclaimed the warrior. "I wish it were someone else!"

Then Moshe spoke, "So do all who live to see such times. It is not up to us to decide in which age we live, but to make the best with what time we have been given. And now, I think I have remembered the way through."

He stood with his face towards the sea. Raising his powerful arms, he held aloft his staff Emunat-El. The staff flashed a brilliant blue, and blue fire raced up and down the sides. "Teyn lanu la-avor!" he yelled. "B'vakashah! P'tach lanu derech!"

Moshe tried those and other words of power, his face beginning to sweat. Nothing appeared to happen. He threw his staff down in disgust.

Joshua began to sing an ancient Hebrew song. The words rang out softly, to the rhythm of the surf. The words were sung in Hebrew, but a fair translation was provided to me after the events by a Hebrew poet, and it goes something like this in our language:

 One kid, one kid,
  In the land of milk and honey,
 My father bid,
  And it was bought with little money,
 Then came the cat,
  His slashing claws, his sweeping paw,
 And after that,
  The bloodied coat was all we saw,
 Then came the dog,
  His fearsome bite, his frothing jaw,
 Like a balrog,
  And bloodied fur was all we saw,
 Then came the stick,
  The striking blows, the fierce attack,
 The blows were thick,
  The bloodied cur lie dead and black,
 Then came the fire,
  The searing spark, the ravenous lick,
 The flames rose higher,
  Eating up the blackened stick,
 Then came the rain,
  The drowning waves, the quenching hood,
 And once again,
  'Twas all consumed, for woe or good,
 Then came the bull,
  The scalding breath, the striking toe,
 And with one pull,
  The rain consumed, for good or woe,
 Then came the man,
  The sharpened knife, the bloodstained skirt,
 A thought, a plan,
  And downed the bull, slain in the dirt,
 Then came the war,
  The screaming hordes, the dying hosts,
 And by the score,
  Men shed skins, and walked as ghosts,
 Then came the Lord,
  The gathering touch, the healing word,
 The flaming sword,
  The sheltering wings of the noble bird,
 The nourishing gourd,
  The holy song forever heard.

Meanwhile, Nachshon leaned over the red boulder he was standing on. He tossed a fist sized rock into the shallow surf. The rock turned over once, before splashing in the water. Water sprayed onto the sand at Moshe's feet. "Nachshon," exclaimed the old wizard, "throw yourself in next time, rather than disturb my thoughts!" Chagrined, Nachshon stood up on the boulder looking out over the blue-green face of the great Reed Sea, and then turned around.

"Ho!" yelled Joshua. "Here they come!" Joshua jumped up, drawing Yehudi, his great Hebrew sword from it's scabbard. The metal blade was glowing blue, which meant that Mitzrim were near. "Moshe!" yelled Nachshon, starting toward the great wizard, when he suddenly stepped on a wet patch, and slipped, falling down into the Great Sea.

"Nachshon!" Yelled Moshe, starting forward. He suddenly stopped, his eyes widening. In front of him the Reed Sea was surging and boiling where Nachshon had fallen in. The water shot up in a large column, forming a head and face. The mouth of the face spoke, "Moshe, I have been waiting for one of you to enter into the sea, for only by taking the first step can I intervene on your behalf. Well do I remember the service of your people. Raise your staff and come forward." The head disappeared in a wash of salt water, and the water began to split. It rushed up into great walls, to the left and right. When it was done, where once stood the Great Reed Sea, there was now a corridor of dry land. Nachshon lay strewn across it. He slowly pulled himself to his feet.

"What happened?" he asked, in perplexity.

"It seems I was right, after all, dear Nachshon. The Lord needed one of us to step forward before he would respond to our request. I am happy that you have found the step to take, although, next time, you may want to make it more deliberate."

"What is this place?" asked the bowman.

"This is the ancient bridge of the Philistine caravans, called the Dry Land Bridge, or, in Hebrew, Gesher B'toch Hayam. It was destroyed during the second age, when the Lord sought fit to cover it up with Yam Suf, but knowledge of it has been passed down to me through the ancient writings of the Lord. But come now, no more time for explanations. The Mitzrim come. Hurry!"

Stopping only to pick up their packs, the three men hurried down the queer passage, only minutes ahead of the mad pack of Mitzrim.

Yehuda Berlinger

Passover Story: Bones

The next one in the series was for my eldest daughter, who was just in that phase between reading early books and true classics. It lasted about a year, I believe.

This story is written in the style of Louis Sachar's book Holes, an excellent early teenage read. Not only does it speak to the contemporary child about negotiating family, peers, and coming of age, it also has a wickedly clever series of plot devices that connect past and present in rather fantastical ways.

In my story, Moses has to fetch the bones of Joseph before Israel can leave Egypt. According to one version of the midrash, Asher's daughter Serach, one of the only women named as having descended into Egypt with Jacob, is the one who tells Moses that Joseph's bones were secretly sunk into the Nile river.

Bones

Moshe hid in the lush green vegetation by the side of the Nile river. Sweat collected on his forehead, dripping slowly down his beat red face. The salt made his skin sting.

Peering out through the brushes, Moshe could see thirty feet of sandy beach, strewn with seaweed, gently sloping down to the banks of the great river. The water swept lazily off downstream. Several Egyptian fishing trawlers were resting at various distances off the shore. It was not these that kept him hidden, however, but a small group of Egyptian fisherman standing on the shore itself, a scant twenty meters from him.

Moshe had been sent by Serach Bat Asher to find and bring back the bones of the great Hebrew, Yosef. No one but Serach had known that taking these bones were the key to their freedom from slavery. No one but Serach had known where these bones were hidden. Apparently, no one but Moshe could go and get them. Moshe crouched in the greenery, staring out at the powerful fisherman, shifting his feet back and forth to keep his circulation going, and wondering "Why me?". It was not the first time he had asked himself that question. With a sigh, he admitted to himself that it would probably not be the last.

Who am I? he asked himself. I'm nobody, that's who. Moshe was overwhelmed by a deep sense of shame. Everyone thinks I'm so special, he thought. They all say, 'There goes that miracle worker, Moshe'. I keep telling them, it's not me. I'm not doing anything, but they don't believe me. Moshe felt bitter tears mixing with his salty sweat. He wiped his face with the sleeve of his robe. The more the people heaped praise on him, the more Moshe felt undeserving of any praise at all.

Stop thinking about it, he told himself. You have to get these bones, or we can't go free. Moshe did not really understand why that was, but he trusted Serach. He steeled himself, and looked out again at the fisherman.

How am I supposed to find these bones, anyway. They're sunk in the mud at the bottom of the Nile. What am supposed to do? I can't even swim. He frowned. I can't even get near the shore with these fisherman in the way. Moshe was afraid of the Egyptians. He wasn't sure how many knew him by sight, but he didn't want to take the chance. Considering what God had done to them over the last year, all attributed to him, of course, he knew that there was no lack of ill-feeling towards him. So he sat in the bushes waiting for them to leave.

The fisherman on the bank reeled in their lines, and cast them out again. They were talking to each other.

"Did you hear the latest, P'tah?" said one.

"No," Ram. "You mean the latest threat from that Hebrew priest guy?" said P'tah. He looked around nervously. "What now?"

Ram laughed. "Get this. He said his God is going to make the sun go out! Can you believe it?" Ram laughed again. He cast his line back
in.

"And why do you laugh, Ram? Haven't his threats come true, so far?"

"Oh come on!" said Ram. "Put the sun out? I think Ra, blessed be his name, might have something to say about that. You know, Ra, the Sun God?" Ram gave another laugh. P'tah didn't answer. His face looked serious. Ram looked at him, contemptuously.

"Surely you don't believe this Hebrew more than you believe Ra? I don't think it is one Hebrew doing this, anyway. I think all the Hebrews are doing it, somehow. I never trusted those lice, anyway." Ram spit into the river. "Swine."

Moshe sat fretting in the bushes. He knew he had to hurry, but he wasn't getting anywhere. He knew what a fool he would look like if he came back without the bones. He whispered, "God, I know you're out there. If you want me to get these bones, you need to help me. I don't know what else I can do." Moshe closed his eyes, fervently praying. He stayed like that for good five minutes, when he heard a noise from the fisherman, and he opened his eyes again.

Ram and P'tah were straining trying to pull in their fishing lines.

"We've got a big fish here, P'tah!" exclaimed Ram. Moshe let out a sigh of frustration.

"That's no fish," said P'tah. Moshe looked up again. The fishing lines were now almost in. At the end of the lines was not a large fish, but a large muddy rotting wooden box.

"Ach. What a waste," said Ram. "Bring it in, and let's cut our lines off of it." They hauled the box closer, until they could get their hands under it. Then they lifted it over to the shore.

"What do you think is in it?" asked Ram. "Maybe there's treasure in it."

"It's rotting. It's falling apart. It's probably just mud," said P'tah. "It's not worth anything."

"It's mine," said a new voice.

P'tah and Ram both turned to look at Moshe, who was now standing ten feet away, his shaking hands hidden under his robes. Moshe stared at them with a determined face, silently trying to not to let his fear register in his eyes. He glanced once to the box the fishermen were carrying, and then back to P'tah and Ram, keeping a steady gaze and no expression on his face.

"What did you say, slave?" sneered Ram. Moshe was dressed in priestly garments. Ram knew that he was not a slave, but his prejudice against all Hebrews was plainly written on his face.

"I mean, uh, master" Moshe fumbled, and then continued, "it belongs to master Sari, the Pharaoh's chief servant. Master Sari sent me to retrieve it personally," he lied.

Ram snarled. "What does the chief servant of Pharaoh want with a rotting box of mud. Why should I believe you? Maybe it has something of value in it, after all." His eyes began to gleam, and he moved his hand toward the box.

"Probably something to do with the curse, I think, master," Moshe said. Ram's hand froze in mid-gesture. "My master's specialty is ancient curses, as you surely know, master" Moshe concluded, bowing.

Ram's eyes narrowed. "And why should I believe you, slave?"

"Oh, just give it to him, Ram," said P'tah. "It's just an old box. An old rotting box" He looked at Moshe. "He's just an old man, Ram. Give him the box."

Ram scowled a moment longer, and then shrugged. "Here, slave. Take your box." He kicked it towards Moshe.

"Please be careful with it, master," Moshe said, looking concerned. "My master will be displeased with me if it gets damaged."

"Oh, really," said Ram, with a wicked look on his face. He gave the box a hard kick, breaking off a piece from the bottom corner. Mud oozed out. "That would be a shame." He gave a loud, harsh laugh. Moshe cried out.

"Stop it, Ram!" yelled P'tah. "Take your box and go, Hebrew." P'tah gave Moshe a nervous look. Then he took hold of the laughing Ram and led him further down the beach.

Moshe bent down to the box. It looked like nothing more than a box of mud. Down at the corner of the box, where Ram had broken it, mud was still oozing out. Maybe there's nothing in it, thought Moshe. Maybe it was all for nothing. Maybe I was wrong. Moshe began to panic. In a moment, however, as the mud began draining more slowly, he could discern a small dirty hard lump sticking slightly out through the mud. It looked like a bone. Moshe carefully tucked it back into the box.

He lifted the box from the end that was not broken and waited until the mud seeping out had slowed to a bare trickle. Then he turned around and hefted it onto his back. He began the long journey back to his village. As he entered the vegetation on the side of the river, he stopped. He stood for a moment in thought. Then he looked up and whispered, "Thank you." He waited another moment, and then continued on his way.

Yehuda Berlinger

Passover Story: Mah Myth-tanah

The second of my Passover stories is in the style of Robert Asprin's Myth Adventure series.

The Myth Adventure series is one of the funniest fantasy series ever written. Follow the adventures of Skeeve, Aahz, Tanda, and Gleep, as they traverse around the dimensions learning magic and style.

Humor-wise, it is far more accessible to the American reader than Terry Pratchett's Diskworld series, which just kind of makes me scratch my head. Various children I know learned to read English using these books.

The following story depicts Aaron and Moshe's first meeting, and was written for my then ten year-old boy.

Mah Myth-tanah

The hardest part about being a priest is having to put up with your congregation. This may not strike you as a difficulty, but when your congregation is a large mob of half-naked slaves, working 16 hours a day in the hot Egyptian sun to build a palace for the King of the Egyptians, you find that they don't take too well to sermons about peace, love and brotherhood.

I found that out the hard way. That may explain why I next found myself wandering in a barren desert some 20 miles from aforesaid slaves, who have an amazing amount of strength even after working 16 hours. Enough to thrown a man about twenty feet, I would guess. I really didn't take the time to measure the exact distance, having been more preoccupied with the priestly activity of running away as fast as I could to prevent a repeat of the experiment.

The 20 mile run into the desert was not my actual plan, mind you. It just seemed like a safe bet at the time. I figured that two days was about the distance I needed between myself and my loyal congregation. I told myself that I needed a little time to work on my next sermon. What I needed was a safe place for my bruises to heal.

So there I was, sitting on a small mat in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Concentrate, I told myself. What would make a good sermon? How about a little on the values of hard work? Hmmmm, that didn't sound like it would get any better reception than my love sermon.

While I was sitting there ... um, did I mention that this was the middle of nowhere? That's right, 20 miles from civilized Ramses, with a five mile view in every direction. There was nothing but me and my camel. No place to hide, right. Well, while I was sitting there, I heard a noise to my left and I casually looked. OK, so I jumped. But it was just a tumbleweed. My heart settled back into place. Hey, I was still a little jumpy from the throwing incident, give me a break.

Another noise to my right. I jumped again. This time it the clicking pincers of a tiny scorpion. I was beginning to get thoroughly disgusted with myself. I also realized that I was not going to get any sermons written today. I turned around, to pick up my mat.

"Greetings, Kid," said the tall man standing two feet from my nose. Didn't I mention the tall man standing two feet from nose? That might be because he wasn't there two seconds before, and, as I might have mentioned, I had thought that there was no way that he could have gotten this close to me without my noticing. To my credit, this time I didn't jump. I screamed.

"AHHHHH!!!," I said, determinedly.

"I'm not a doctor, Kid," said the stranger. "I don't need to look down your throat."

"Hhhhuuuhh? Whhhuuuh? Hummmm?" I said, with feeling.

"Some spokesman you sent me," said the stranger, looking up at the sky. He turned back to me and said, "If that's your new sermon, it needs some work. Do you have anything to drink. You had to pick a desert for you to meet me?" Once again, he was looking up at the sky.

It was an ancient custom that you must give a drink to anyone who asks you for one in the desert. "On the camel," I said. The stranger said, "Right. Thanks, Aaron," and wandered over to the camel to get himself a drink.

This gave me a few moments to think. I considered the stranger. He was about six feet tall, with wild grey hair and faded royal clothing. He looked about 50, but I sensed that he was probably older, maybe about my own age of 83. I suddenly realized that he knew my name, and I blurted out, "How do you know my name?"

He was busy rummaging through my belongings, tossing them in several directions while searching for the canteen. "Eh? Oh, God told me you would be here waiting for me. Where is the canteen?"

I looked helplessly as my possessions were scattered left and right. "Hanging from the saddlebags," I said. He looked up. "Ah yes". He took down a canteen and gave it a preemptive sniff. "Water?" he said. "I said something to drink, not something to wash with." He tossed the canteen onto the ground. I did manage to pick it up before most of the water spilled out onto the sand.

"Um, try the small canteen on the bottom," I said, closing the canteen. "And could you please not make such a mess?" "Ah, here we are," he said, ignoring my request and opening the small canteen I had pointed out. He took a long pull from my wine bottle. And another. And another.

"You said something about a God?" I prompted, trying to get to the bottom of my visitor's purpose. "How did you sneak up on me?"

"No, not 'a God'. 'God'," he replied, ignoring my second question.

"That's what I said ... wait, what's the difference?"

"There's only one God, but there are many 'a God's. God is the ruler of everything, kid."

Now I figured it out. He was crazy. Well, it happens to people who wander in the desert sometimes.

"Uh, right," I said. "And this 'God' told you to meet me here?"

"That's right. I have been sent to free the Hebrews in Egypt."

"I thought you said he sent you to meet me."

"First to meet you, and then, together, we go to Egypt."

"But I'm not going to Egypt right now. I just left Egypt. What's your name?"

"Moshe. I used to be a prince in Egypt. Then I left, and I met God, and now I'm going back to free the Hebrews."

"Moshe," I said, ignoring his Hebrews references. As much as I wanted my people to be free, I didn't put much faith in this guy. "There's no prince in Egypt named Moshe."

"Well, I used to be called Moses, but I changed my name to a Hebrew name."

"Moses? He was killed by Pharaoh nearly forty years ago," I said.

"Nope, he's me. And I'm your brother."

"Huh? My brother? I don't have a brother!"

"Yes you do, and he's me. And that's why you're coming with me. To be my spokesman."

"I thought you said you were a prince."

Moshe/Moses lifted his arms to the sky in a semblance of mock penetition. "Why me, Oh Lord?" he said. He gave me a steady look. "Look, I was born Moses, to Yocheved and Amram." I gave a start as he named my parent's names. "I have two older brothers, Aaron, that's you, and Miriam. Our mother, fearing the laws about drowning Jewish babies, put me into a boat on the Nile. Pharaoh's daughter found me and raised me in the palace. One day I killed a slaver who was beating a Hebrew slave, and I fled to the desert. Hmmmm. Your story you heard about my so-called 'death' was probably just a cover up by Pharaoh. Anyway, in the desert, I found a bush that burned but was not consumed, and the one true God told me to go back to Egypt and tell Pharaoh to let the Hebrews go. I figure that the Hebrews won't go along with this if I go alone. They will think it is some Egyptian plot. So God sent a Hebrew priest, a.k.a. you, to be spokesman for his messenger, a.k.a. me. Got it?"

I nodded my head vigorously up and down. He squinted at me. I shook my head from side to side.

"Kid ... never mind," he said. "Just get your things and let's get going."

"But I told you," I protested. "I wasn't planning on going back to Egypt, yet."

"Do you want to free your people?" he asked. I looked at him, and nodded, helplessly. "Your plans have changed." He stepped onto the camel's footstrap, and hoisted himself up.

"Wait." I said, hastily collecting the objects he discarded during his canteen search and stuffing them into the nearest open saddle bag.

"Where are we going?"

"Aren't your ears working, kid? I told you, we're going to Egypt, to speak to Pharaoh."

"But I don't know Pharaoh. Why would he speak to me?" I hoisted myself up behind him. My position was precarious, and I clung to his robes to keep myself from falling off. He smelled like ashes and sweat. The camel smelled like a camel. Let's just say, you don't need the smell described to you.

"Oh he will. Don't worry about it," he said. Then he grinned, and kicked the camel in the flanks. We were off.

After we had gone some minutes, I said, "Are you really my brother?"

"Seems like it," he replied. I had to strain to catch the words over the grunting that came from both ends of the camel.

I paused, and said, "I've never, that is, I didn't know that I had a brother."

"Yeah, well, let's not get all sentimental about it, kid. We have plans to discuss on the way."

I sighed, and settled down for a long ride.

Yehuda Berlinger

Passover Story: A Burning Bush For Little Bear

We start preparing for Passover after Purim.

Every year I try do something different for the seder. I've been doing this for several years, with greater or lesser success. I'll post a few of the successes over the next few weeks.

I'll start with a series of four stories I wrote for my four children some time ago. Each story contained a small part of the Exodus story as re-written by different authors.

The first one was written for my youngest daughter, and is in the style of Elsa Holmelund Minarik's classic Little Bear series. I loved reading these to my children. They are perfect examples of story-telling at its best: warm, familiar, and humorous.

My story contains a new explanation for God's choice to turn the staff into a snake.

A Burning Bush For Little Bear

Little Bear is watching sheep. He is carrying a stick. How many sheep? One, two, three ... There are a lot of sheep! A little sheep runs over the hill. Little Bear runs over the hill to catch him.

Little Bear sees a fire in a bush. The bush is very small. The fire is very big. Little Bear likes fires. Little Bear is happy. He does a little dance.

Little Bear hears a voice coming from the fire. Little Bear is afraid. He hides his face with his paws.

"Hello, Little Bear," says the voice. "I am God. My little bears are not happy. You must go to the King and say, 'Let my little bears go!'"

"I am afraid of the King," says Little Bear.

"Little Bear," says the voice, "are you really afraid of the King?"

"Yes," says Little Bear.

"What else are you afraid of?" says the voice.

"I am afraid of a lot of things," says Little Bear. "I am afraid of
snakes."

"See the stick?" asks the voice. "See the stick that you are holding?"

"Yes," says Little Bear.

"Throw the stick onto the ground," says the voice. Little Bear throws the stick onto the ground. It turns into a snake. Little Bear is afraid of snakes. He hides his face with his paws.

"Pick up the snake," says the voice. "I am afraid of snakes," says Little Bear. "It is okay," says the voice. "I will make sure that the snake does not bite you. See, there is nothing to be afraid of."

Little Bear bravely reaches out his paw and picks up the snake. Now it is a stick again. Little Bear is no longer afraid. In fact, Little Bear is happy. He is almost laughing. He does a little dance.

"See?" says the voice. "You were afraid of the snake, but I made sure that it did not bite you. You are afraid of the King, but I will make sure that the King does not bite you, either."

So Little Bear goes to the King.

Yehuda Berlinger

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(photo source)

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Yehuda

U. S. Armed Forces Code, in Verse: Chapters 75-77, 79-81, 83, 87, 88

Chapter 75

1471

In cases of death
Evidence is collected
So that any foul play
Can be rejected

1475

Gratuity upon death
Is paid, though it's hard
To understand why not
For the Coast Guard

1476

Even after separated
Within a time frame
If you die, a gratuity
Is paid, just the same

1477

With today's modern
Family relations
Determining beneficiaries
Is full-time occupation

1478

The gratuity for death
Is twelve-thousand K
Where they came up with
This, they don't say

1479

Who is authorized
To send that there check
I'm sure the survivors
Don't give a heck

1480

If killed by the state,
Discharged dishonorably,
Or not following orders,
Pity the beneficiary

1481

Someone looks after
The body, usually,
Although I thought sometimes
They're buried at sea

1482

The mil then covers
Expenses, incidental
Depending on all of
The rules, departmental

1482a

Civilian employees
Might also be covered
But less than for members
I have discovered

1483

They also pay for
Prisoners of war
Who die while in custody,
'Cause what are friends for?

1484

Others who die
On military grounds
Might also be buried
If someone's around

1485

They also might pay
To cover expenses
For dependents of soldiers
Now in past tenses

1486

In places remote
For situations few
They might help you bury
And charge for it, too

1487

Land may be bought using
Methods extemporary
In order to inter on
Bases temporary

1488

Remains may sometimes
Be moved from graves
If the current cemetery
Cannot be saved

1489

Relatives of spies
Killed while on duty
Get a year's pay
As a gratuity

1490

Some pretty dumb rules
About measuring distance
When transporting bodies
Are here by insistence

1491

Funeral honors
Are described herein
Applying to any
True veteran

Chapter 76

1501

A department for missing
Person's was founded -
It's kind of ironic
How that sounded

1502

If someone involun-
Tarily goes missing
A commander will assess and
Then maybe do something

1503

He'll notify the Sec
Who springs into action
Forming a committee to
His satisfaction

1504

On behalf of the missing
Things are done, gratis
They'll call your name, loudly,
And then change your status

1505

They'll even look under
The desks and the chairs
And write a report on
The state of affairs

1506

The report may be missing
Some classified info
So long as it's noted
That somebody said so

1507

At some point, you might
Get listed as dead
If someone else wants
Your desk or your bed

1508

It may be appealed
By your next-of-kin
Who think you're hiding
In the kitchen

1509

The cases are closed
For missing from Korea,
The Cold War, and also
From Indochina

1510

Do they always pick on
The Coast Guard like this?
The main office won't deal
With Coast Guard cases

1511

If you're then found alive
O frabjous day!
They might still back-pay you
Callooh! Callay!

1512

But the State might not care -
"You're still dead", they'll say,
If your rescue interferes
With politics they play

1513

Only after finishing
Reading these sections
Do they then include
The reading directions

Chapter 77

1521

After you're dead, you
Still get promoted
Which doesn't surprise me
Look who's gotten voted

1522

You can even get Warranted
This section claims ...
You know? What a warrant is
Is still not explained

1523

If promoted while dead
You don't get a raise
And it's too late to ask
What the job pays

1524

Another short section
It simply describes
What date to use for
When you have died

Chapter 79

1551

Two types of people
Use assumed names
One out of modesty
One out of shame

1552

They corrects records
That are found flawed
And fix inconveniences
If they are caused

1553

Discharge or dismissal
Records are kept
And for fifteen years
Are dusted and swept

1554

Also for separation
Due to disability
Is examined on requests
Made with civility

1555

The staff of review
Consists of at least
A doc and a lawyer
Who are not deceased

1556

Reviews are made public
To those who request
Except when conflicting
With national interest

1557

They try to respond
Within a good time
But if they are late
It isn't a crime

Chapter 80

1561

Complaints about sexual
Harassment are serious
And examined to see if
The actions were grievous

1561a

Civilians are also
Protected by this one
So no hanky panky
Unless both think it's fun

1562

They also check into
Domestic violence
Assuming the families are
Under their providence

1563

Members of congress
Can make a request
To promote posthumously
At someone's behest

1564

Security clearance
Is granted, and hastily
For critical research
Like better puff pastry

1564a

Anyone with access to
Secret info's subject
To a lie detector,
Although they're not perfect

1565

A soldier convicted
For egregious crime
Has his DNA sample
Kept for all time

1565a

These DNA samples
Are made available
For investigations
When legal and warrantable

1566

This section adds rules
Meant for promoting
Knowledge and assistance
To make sure you're voting

Chapter 81

The next three dull chapters
I'm also ignoring
This one on civilian
Employees is boring

Chapter 83

This chapter describes
Intelligence jobs
These guys get code names
Like "Screwball" and "Hobbes"

Chapter 87

This chapter describes
Work in acquisitions
And responsibilities that
Come with these positions

Chapter 88

1781

Policy planners - they
Need at least five of these -
Get to plan policy
For military families

1782

They put out some surveys
And may get some answers
On how well they're doing
As programmers, not dancers

1783

Nothing to see here
Something bureaucratic
My eyes just glossed over
These, automatic

1784

They try to provide
Jobs for the spouses
Close to the place
Their actual house is

1785

They also run youth programs
Right on the bases
So that every child
Can meet friendly faces

1786

Funds made available
For overseas travel
Are also for road trips
On concrete or gravel

1787

Any abusing
Of children's reported
And any instance
Of neglect is recorded

1788

For members on contingency
Operations (which is?)
Their kids get additional
Assistances

1789

This section supports
Faith based activities
In order to "build and
Maintain strong families"

1791

I don't know what a
Child care receipt is
But the DoD's supply
Determines expenses

1792

Employees assigned to
Take care of kids
Must learn not to lock them
In boxes with lids

1793

Parents pay money
To send their kids there
So they can go shopping
And color their hair ...
Just kidding, they go fall
Asleep in their chair

1794

A hot-line is published
For child abuse
If you abuse children
You've got a screw loose

1795

Parents are invited
To air their concerns
Like what kind of swear words
Their child now learns

1796

Aside from on-base care
They also can give
Other assistance
For where you might live

1797

Programs developed
For early childhood
Must be accredited
Which is understood

1798

Rather than create them
They can also assist
Youth programs that may
Already exist

1799

Regular children
Not from mil families
Can also attend
To strengthen communities

1800

As usual, definitions
Which should have come earlier
Are only done now
Which just made me surlier


As you can see,
From chapters I skipped
At this point most of
My interest had slipped

If you want to give me
Some motivation
To finish the rest
I'll take compensation

A dollar a section
Seems about fair
My email's on Paypal
If you will look there

Otherwise, I will be
Moving along
Starting to work on
My next legal song

I hope you enjoyed
My posting in verse
It could have been better
And could have been worse

Please do check out
Other posts on my blog
Happy holidays to each of
You, and to your dog

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