Sunday, September 28, 2008

10 Stupid Must (Not) Buy Toys for Christmas

Lots of stores are jumping on the Christmas bandwagon already. In September. So I figure, why not me? I can be just as crass, commercial, and annoying as they can. So here's my list of must (not) buy toys for this Christmas (yeah, I'll give you a real list later).

It's easy to find joke and gag toys, or adult toys from novelty stores. That's no challenge. The trick is to find real toys that might actually fall into the hands of unsuspecting children.

1. Sweeney Todd: Razor Prop Replica - "Slice and dice with Sweeney Todd! Lifesize prop replica from the Oscar-winning film! Your friends will think you're really sharp when you flash this authentic prop replica of the singing barber's straight razor..."

This is made out of "real metal". Yes, a real (but dull, I hope) metal razor for your young'un, so he or she can pretend to be the demon barber who slashes throats.

2. OCD Obsessive Compulsive Action Figure - I'm guessing that this one is a joke, but I can't tell for certain. If it's a joke, I don't get it.

3. Trailer Trash Doll 12" in Collector's Box - See, this one I know is a joke. Only it's based on an old joke called "Trailer Park Barbie", which some company used as inspiration to make the actual doll.

4. AVENGING UNICORN PLAYSET - Feeling petulant, and don't have a voodoo doll lying around? This play set comes with a boss, a hippie, and a mime for impaling on your pretty play unicorn (with interchangeable horns).

5. Billy Bob Lil' Vampire Pacifier Headband Combo Pacifier - Dress up your baby with this hysterical pacifier that makes him look like a vampire. Comes with matching headband.

If this isn't weird enough, the same company sells buckteeth, piglet, and other pacifiers.

6. Pee & Poo Plush Dolls - Set - Supposedly a lighthearted set of dolls meant to prepare your child for potty training.

7. Giant Microbes The Clap - Gonorrhea (Neisseria gonorrhoeae) Venereals Plush - As long as we're on the subject of plush toys, who can resist this lovely plush gonorrhea doll? You certainly can't resist the real version!

You can also catch Chlamydia, Herpes, Syphilis, and lots of other great diseases. Trade them with your friends!

8. Good Bye Kitty! - Dead Pets: They'll Never Run Away - Completing our plush series, this fine plush dead roadkill cat, complete with tire tracks.

9. Dead Duck - Continuing with the dead animals theme, I suggest replacing a kid's real rubber duck with this one while they're not looking. Then tell them that they killed the duck. Yeah, they'll cry for a few hours, but deep down they'll think it's pretty funny.

10. Hog Wild Pro Thumb Wrestling - Changing gears, here's a candidate for dumbest toy ever invented. I'm wondering about the market research that went into this one. By the time you find it in the drawer, the match is over.

11. Super Soaker Oozinator Blaster - I believe this was featured once on The Daily Show, where Samantha Bee called it "Junior's first money shot".