1. Your friend tells you that you'll be playing Settlers of Catan at the next game group session.
a: You thank your friend for the warning, gather a crack squad of elite troops, and blow up the gaming group location a week in advance.
b: You say, "OK."
c: You say, "Again, we played that last week!"
d: You say, "W00T! I luv Settlars!"
e: You say, "Whatever."
f: You say, "Settlers of what? Is that like Monopoly? You guys are so obsessed with these weird complicated games. Can't we just play Sorry?"
2. You decide to go because:
a: You remember that Settlers has dice, variable terrain, units, and so on, so it could, in a weird way, if you squint a little, be considered a light war game.
b: It's the game group.
c: You might play some other games before or after.
d: Settlars rox!
e: You don't have anything to do on Thursdays since they canceled Friends last year.
f: Your friend tells you it's easy to understand and play.
3. Who's bringing the game?
a. You are, along with three extra copies, just in case, as well as a spare one you have on call at the game store. Each piece is stored in its own Plexiglas storage container for easy setup.
b. You are, of course.
c. One of you is, and you know who.
d. Someone is.
f. Is that tonight?
4. Who sets up the game?
a. You do; actually, you did several weeks ago, and you soldered Plexiglas over the game, repainted all of the pieces, and added 3D realistic terrain to the board to simulate cover and concealment.
b. You do, since everyone else forgets that, according to the original German rules, you have to lay out the hexes 5 center, 4 on the right, 4 on the left, 3 on the right, and then 3 on the left.
c. You can, or someone else will.
d. Watching it get set up is cool! Look! Three wood hexes! I'm calling that space!
e. Hey, they sure have a lot of games here. Look a TV. I wonder what's on TV.
f. What are we playing again? Does it always take so long to set up? Can't we just play already?
5. What variant are you playing?
a: The variant where you set up Settlers on one table and play ASL on the other. Failing that, every variant that includes direct confrontation, including Cities and Knights of Catan, Nuclear War of Catan, Armed Ambush of Catan, and the Franco-Prussian midday skirmish of August 22, 1875 just-after-they-had-their-afternoon-tea of Catan.
b: All of them.
c: Cities and Knights, and maybe Seafarers
d: Vanilla Settlers
e: Hey, they're showing a rerun of Friends on channel 63 in Spanish. Ha ha! That Chandler!
f: What's a variant? Is that complicated?
6. Who teaches the newbies, and how?
a. You bring out your 300 page glossy custom made manual as well as printouts of every web page with errata that ever mentioned the word Settlers of Catan. Your opening line is: "Men. This is war."
b. You do, since you always teach everyone. You've got it down to five minutes and twenty seconds. Your opening lines are: "Youneedtenvictorypointstowinthegame. Eachsettlementisonepoint. Eachcityistwopoints."
c. Someone else, and you occasionally interrupt if they forget to say something they were about to say.
d. Someone else, and you continuously interrupt with things like, "Wood is really important!", "Don't trade with Josh! He always wins!", and "These dice never roll tens so don't bother with the ten hexes!"
e. Look, there's the monkey! Ha ha! He touched Rachel's breast! Ha ha! I sure wish I was that monkey!
f. Man, can't we just play already? I'm not going to remember anything you just said! Why can't we play Sorry? This is a dumb game.
7. When is a good time to start thinking about your moves?
a. Three months in advance, after you have read the rule book and all errata and programmed your computer to step through all scenarios.
b. After looking at the board setup, while planning a strategy for the game.
c. A round or so in advance, while others are thinking about their moves.
d. After you roll the dice for your turn. The game changes so much each round.
e. A few minutes after the other players call you away from the TV set
f. I don't want to have to think about my moves.
8. What is a good strategy?
a. Using your relationship to the other players as psychological advantage, threatening severe reprisals if they come anywhere near you, and running the bank out of resources.
b. It depends on what resources are more available and how many other players are playing.
c. Cities, because they double the production of your best locations, and you only need four locations to win, anyway.
d. Roads and settlements, because roads only take two resources, and Longest Road is c00l!
e. Waiting for the other players to tell you what to do.
9. What are some good tactics?
a. Positioning the board so that you are sitting in the shadows, quoting obscure rules during the game to undermine the other player's confidence, and arranging for a regional disaster to happen that will distract your opponents during the game.
b. Many good trades, since the more you trade, the better you net against multiple opponents.
c. Quick ore and wheat production.
d. Building lots of roads, hoarding resources, and rolling lucky.
e. Saying "what?" a lot of times, until the other players just tell you what to do.
10. How do you roll the dice?
a: In a dice tower.
b: In a box, so that no one can argue about the dice landing unevenly.
c: On the side of the table.
d: Across the board, knocking over all the pieces.
e: Someone else rolled them for you.
f: You kiss them and say "Come on, lucky 7's!"
11. What happens after you rolled the dice?
a: Take the results of the first die, look up on the master table, go to table 3a, take the results of the second die, look across row 4 on table 3a, see footnote 24b, ...
b: You hand everybody their resources.
c: You take your resources.
d: You ask what resources you get. After you get them, you say, "Is that all? Don't I get a wood?"
e: Hmmm? What?
f: You ask what the cards mean again, you look at the resource cost chart again, you show everyone what you have, and you ask whether you can build a settlement and where.
12. What is a good trade offer?
a: You give me all of your resources and I won't crush you like a bug.
b: I'll give you two wheats and one sheep for a wood and an ore, and I'll give you that wood and a brick for two ore.
c: Any one card for two cards.
d: Wood? Wood? Wood for sheep? Ha ha! Wood for sheep! No, my sheep for your wood. Ha ha! Two sheep? ("No one has wood") Three sheep? Anyone have wood? Oh c'mon. I need to build my fifteenth road! I'm this close! Brick? Anyone have brick? Sheep for brick? Two sheep for brick? Three sheep? Three sheep and two wheat for a brick and a wood? Anyone have wood?
e: I'm done.
f: What do I need to build a settlement again? I'll give you this green thing for a road. Lamb. I mean sheep.
13. Who won?
a: You're still looking at the tables. Victory will be yours, eventually, if not this game, then the next.
b: You did. Again.
c: You came close, but you lost because no tens were rolled and all of your production was on the ten.
d: You had three settlements and Longest Road. Pretty awesome!
e: Hmmm? Is the game over? Who won?
f: Can we play Sorry now? Come on, I played your game, it's only fair. Sorry is a great game, and you don't have to think so much!
You are a:
a. War gamer
b. Obsessed Euro-gamer
c. Average Euro-gamer
d. New Euro-gamer
e. Annoying gamer groupie